No more complainer-poo

Looking over the last few weeks posts, I've realized I complain entirely too much. I complain about my job, not dating (although, who knows, that could change soon, if I'm lucky), being bored, and, of course, graduate school applications. I fill my days with worrying about all this stuff I have very little control over, and are therefore, render my frustration totally pointless.

The fact of the matter is, lots of people hate their jobs. Tons of people are lonely/desperate and single (thankfully, I haven't reached the point of being desperate, yet). Loads of people are applying to graduate schools, hoping that the degree they're aspiring for will change their lives and fill some sort of void intellectually and financially.

Things could be worse. I could be very unhappily married, tied down by a couple of thankless children and a husband who no longer thinks I'm interesting and whom I no longer respect (my worst nightmare and strongest deterrent against marriage). I could be in some totally mind numbing tedious job that pays well, buying and consuming things left and right to fill some emotionally void, and thus keeping me from ever escaping my horrible well paying job in pursuit of my dream job as a basket weaver by day, go-go dancer by night. Or worse yet, I could be like some of those incredibly shallow, morally bankrupt singles who post on this website firstdatedc that I found linked to on Ellen's blog.

So yeah, things could be a lot worse. I try to remember, and be thankful for, all the things I missed while I volunteered in Ukraine: my mom and dad, my lovely and wonderful friends, books in English, heat, not being force fed meat jello and vodka during holidays.....the things that really matter.

Relief

Yesterday was kind of a relieving day. My first actual day of work (we've been training since Monday) was last night, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, I guess. However, my supervisor informed us that we'd be working overtime on Saturdays which will translate into me getting home around 11 pm on Friday night and then turning around and heading back to Pearson at 7 am the next morning. I didn't bitch too much last night, but I'm not going to do this more than once over the duration of the project. I refuse to make myself miserable no matter how much I need the money.

The other relieving and, much more pleasant, thing that happened yesterday is I talked Ph.d Guy. I say it was relieving because he said he would call and didn't, and then I had sent him an e-mail and heard nothing. Anyway, I decided to call him and then leave the ball in his court (I felt like I would come across as desperate if I kept trying to contact him and heard nothing back). I know what I'm about to say is going to make me sound like a stereotypically overly analytical girl, but I was starting to think that maybe I said or did something stupid on our last date that resulted in him avoiding me completely. Then, I conjured up all these ideas about the numerous things that are wrong with me (not smart/pretty/mature/put together enough) that would cause Ph.d Guy not to like me. I know, I know, I'm horribly insecure.

Thankfully, none of those things are true because he called me back and we had a really nice chat. We're going to try to get together next week. I hate to say this because I don't want to get hung up about seeing someone who may or may not be all that interested in me (I can't tell, honestly), but I'm looking forward to it.

How can you tell if someone likes you anyway? It's kind of an inexact science, to say the least. At one time I was good at sensing when someone was interested but now, I just never know. There have been a couple of incidents in the last two years that have really led me to believe I'm not as good at reading men as I thought I was, unfortunately. God, listen to me. I sound like I'm in 8th grade ("Do you think he likes me likes me or just likes me?").

Popularity contest

Not since I was a jail baiting 17 year old have I gotten as much attention from strange men as I have since I updated my photo on Friendster and posted a profile on mySpace. It's insane! And honestly, I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. I'm disheartened by the fact that my picture would make that much of a difference.

Then again, I guess I don't have to much room to bitch; after all, I did meet a very nice young man via one of these sites who will, I hope, eventually call me back.

Work was as I feared it would be: overwhelming. This project is an entirely different beast than any other project I have ever worked on and I'm feeling very unsure about the whole thing. The other woman who will be working nights with me said something I had been thinking all day yesterday. She said, "I'm not so sure I want to even do this." Boy would they be screwed if we both quit. However, if they put too much pressure on us or require too much overtime, I will walk away.

That's pretty much all that's been going on in my world. The highlight of my day yesterday was recieving best mix CD ever from Ellen. For this she has earned my everlasting love and devotion (I'm cheap, what can I say?). Thank you, Ellen!

Hey, does anyone know if/how I can check out who's been checking out my blog or is that impossible on Blogger?

A pain in my keester

I haven't got a lot to report, really. I started my new project at Pearson, which honestly I wasn't super excited about, but had managed to convince myself wouldn't be so bad once I got through the first few days of training. Unfortunately, I was wrong. We're already behind schedule, the prompts (a 'prompt' is, in layman's terms the question that is being asked of the student) are not written very well and the woman who was suppose to work the 2-10:30 shift with me has already quit. We need to hire over 100 scores in the next few days. Oh, and I think we're going to have mandatory overtime.

Jesus. Why did I volunteer to do this?

I promise to write a much more coherent exciting post in the next few days but right now I just want to go flop on my bed and listen to Exile in Guyville (have I mentioned how much I like my iPod lately?). I forgot how much I loved this album when I was 19, and now, that I'm a real adult with real ex-boyfriends and broken relationships to be bitter about, it's even more fun to listen to than when I was chasing after distant, game playing guitar players in Iowa City.

Mixed Results

I won't bother to wish anyone a happy late St. Patrick's Day, considering it was 2 days ago and you all have either forgotten about already, or didn't remember it in the first place. Besides, I'm not Irish, I'm Czech (in case you forgot). Saint Patrick's Day means nothing to my people. We drink copious amounts all the time, not just one day a year.

I've had a pounding headache all day every day since Tuesday afternoon. It sucks. I haven't been able to work out, read, or write my last grad essay at all. I'm starting to worry there's something really wrong. If doesn't go away by Tuesday or Wednesday I'm making a doctor's appointment.

The good news is I've already gone out for a second time with the very nice man I met on-line. This time, however, we had dinner and went to see Capote, so, in my book at least, it was definitely a date. I rarely encounter virtual strangers that, after talking with them for 2 hours over dinner, I feel like I could continue just sitting and chatting with them for another 2 or 3 hours. There were moments over the course of the evening where I was kind of alarmed by how much alike we are in some respects.

Anyway, it was nice. I was I lot more relaxed, as was he, so I think we both probably acted a lot more like ourselves, as opposed to ourselves on our Very Best Behavior. This is a good thing, because I can only pretend like I'm upbeat and perky for so long before I want to throw something at passerbys or curse and spit in public like I usually do.

It looks like we're going to go out again sometime soon, although Spring Break is over for him and my job at NCS starts on Monday, so it will be difficult to go out since I won't get off work until 10:30. I also made the executive decision that I'm not going to call (I contacted him last time about getting together for dinner a second time) or e-mail him, he's going to need to do that. I'm not into playing head games, but I really don't want to feel like I'm chasing him and there's no chasing back. I'll feel like a desperate stalker.

Rejected! (part deux)

Things Wednesday night went pretty well. I had a good time. He's a really nice guy and we have a lot of things in common (he's been around the world and back again, literally). We're getting together for dinner sometime soon, which will be nice. We'll see what comes of this. It should be interesting, needless to say.

Unfortunately, I received a phone call I suspected I'd get eventually, just not quite so soon.

I didn't get the Marquette Fellowship. Goddamn it.

I got a personal phone call from the woman in charge of the program that she really appreciated all my hard work, blah, blah, blah but they couldn't offer me a place in the Trinity Fellows program. That was the first piece of disappointing news. But, since nothing ever goes my way and I am perpetually cursed by the most fucked up luck ever (see : TWO benign ear tumors, life threatening car accident, teaching at a school from hell, and sexual harassment problems not once, but twice in Ukraine, amongst other things), that wasn't all.

The application process at Marquette was the biggest cluster fuck ever--you had to submit extra letters of recommendation and 3 essays for the Trinity Fellowship in addition to applying to the Public Service grad program. This was annoying enough as it is, but then there was more than a little confusion about whether or not I had to submit my motherfucking GRE scores (the GRE will from here on out always be referred to as the "motherfucking GRE"). The admissions committee literally could not decide whether or not I needed to submit GRE scores or not (If you had below a 3.2 GPA you needed to turn them in--I have a 3.17 but didn't want to turn the GRE scores in because my quant score is humiliating, as I've said 500 times before).

First I was told no, I didn't need to turn them in because, when rounded up, my GPA is a 3.2 , which satisfied their requirement. Then I was told that in fact I might need to submit them, and then finally no again (this was after 3 or 4 phone calls, literally). Needless to say, I was more than a little confused and pissed off when, after just rejecting me, the woman in charge of the TF program, told me she said she was sure I would've gotten in to the Master of Public Service program had I turned in my GRE scores!!! What the fuck?!

She then went on to explain they had been undergoing some changes at Marquette and had changed some of their requirements for admission, thus the confusion about whether I needed to submit those motherfucking scores. She had argued "strenuously" on my behalf with the admissions committee that I should not have to turn the scores in, considering I had been told I didn't need to by both the admissions committee at the grad school (which is apparently separate from the admissions committee in the Public Service program?) and her, but the admissions people at the Public Service department wouldn't budge. I had to ask her 3 times to repeat this because I didn't understand. This, of course, sucked because I literally had to listen to "you didn't get in" 3 more times.

I then informed her I had taken the GRE but that my quantitative score was really bad so I didn't really want to turn the scores in. She told me I should really submit my GRE scores because she thought I would be admitted to the Public Service program, but that I wouldn't get a Trinity Fellowship. That was when she rejected me for the fourth and, thankfully, final time. I felt like someone was breaking up with me. I didn't even get some guy's T-shirt out of it. Not even a kiss goodbye.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do regarding Marquette. I have been remarkably UNIMPRESSED by the lack of professionalism at both of the schools I've applied to (not so much at CMU as at Marquette), but especially with Marquette. Do these people not realize we, as students, should be treated almost like clients while applying to programs at their school? I mean, we're paying them upwards of $15,000 per year to get an education and they can't keep the most elementary things straight regarding admission (I called a woman at the University of Iowa and asked when applications were due and she told me the wrong date, for Christ's sakes).

I'm going to continue to submit applications and see what happens. Given what's happened so far I'll probably apply to U of M/U of Iowa and get accepted only to find out they accidentally sent me someone else's acceptance letter.

I know at least 3 people who are going to be more than a little happy to hear this, but, thus far, University of Minnesota has been the most organized, plus the woman there didn't blink when I told her my quant score wasn't so hot (she told me, in fact, that she didn't do well on the quant section either, which made me feel better). That, and I can easily arrange to do my field experience abroad, which is a huge bonus.

I'm sorry if I'm going on and on about grad school, guys. I'm just really frustrated. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated right now.

Is coffee a date?

So, here's something interesting that's developed in the past three days:

As most of you know, I have a profile posted on Friendster. It has, you know, random information about me: my occupation, favorite TV shows, favorite movies, etc., and a picture. I enjoy looking at profiles on friendster because of the crazy shit people will write/post about themselves. Do people not realize that when you post things on the internet others can read it? That and I can check up on people I use to be friends with/date and not feel like a complete stalker.

Anyway, there's this feature on Friendster that allows you to see the people who have viewed you. This, of course, is like the internet version of checking somebody out at a bar. You see that someone has looked at your profile, and you, out of curiousity or narcicism (i.e. I want to see how interesting/attractive the people are who are checking me out because it reflects back on my own attractiveness) in turn, check them out.

On Sunday, I had noticed that this guy in IC had looked at my profile. He looked like a really interesting guy: he's traveled all over the world, likes some of the same bands I do, and is persuing a Ph.d. I considered sending him a message, but was a little too embarrassed (what do I say?), so I just sort of forgot about it.

That was until I got a message from him on Sunday. I'll spare you the details, but basically we chatted about Russian literature (yup, I'm a total geek) and where we've traveled, etc. We only exchanged like 2 e-mails, but he mentioned getting together for coffee. I said that sounded cool.

Now, here's a question: is coffee a date? Or is it just, well, coffee? Honestly, it' been so long since I went out with anyone, I don't remember. The last time I went out for coffee with a guy (a guy, who, incidentally attended the same college as this guy I may be meeting up with later) I ended up dating him for 2 1/2 years. Also, is this a bad idea? Is it safe?

I feel like a big giant dork writing and posting about this, but, well...I'm interested in what y'all think. I just pray he does not find this.

Shame

This weekend has been pretty ho-hum thus far. Yesterday I went to the gym, tried repeatedly to get a hold of Kelly, and read. Not a terribley exciting day; at least, I didn't watch 4 straight hours of Queer as Folk, like I did on Friday. That show is neck and neck with Six Feet Under for best show ever. Now if they'd just come out with a show about gay men who worked in a morgue I'd be truly happy.

One of the more interesting things I've heard recently was while I was driving to Barnes and Noble Saturday night (yup, this is what the bored, single and lonely do on weekends). I'm not sure what I was listening to--it was like really angry NPR out of Chicago. They were talking about Guantanamo Bay. Honestly, I don't remember much of the details other than they did a piece about 2 Iraqis who were imprisoned for telling a couple of jokes. Seriously. There was, of course, the prerequisite juxtaposition of these gentlemen's stories and sound bites from that asshole Bush's speeches and that even bigger asshole, Cheney's speeches about how those in Guantanamo Bay were "swept up from the battlefield" and imprisoned because they were terrorists or some shit like that.

I remember the first time I ever felt real shame for being an American in front of a non-U.S. citizen. It was right after the Abu Grabe (?) scandal broke and it was a beautiful day in my town. I had just come back from the market and was standing in front of my apartment building talking to a fellow teacher from my school. He was asking me about the war and then, in a hushed tone asked me, "Did you hear about what the Americans did?..." I bowed my head, looking at the ground and muttered that yes, I had heard all about it. We shared a full minute of silence and then I looked up and said, "I am so ashamed for my country." He nodded and we promptly changed the subject.

When I hear about the things our government does in the name of protecting us it infuriates me. I, like a lot of Americans, have come to accept the fact that there will be things our government does that are just outright unfair or unjust but there needs to be a limit and a bipartisan committee whose primary job is to review legislation that is supposedly enacted to "keep us safe". Throwing two men in jail for telling jokes (the joke that originally caught the attention of whoever threw them in jail wasn't even about Bush--it was about Clinton) is unacceptable.

iTunes is making me one broke mofo

As I've mentioned before, I recently purchased an iPod Nano. I had deliberated about buying one for 2 months or so, and despite the fact that I'm unemployed and won't start my semi-shitty temp job for another week, I decided to just go for it and get one. I work out 4 or 5 times a week so when I work out I usually strap this CD player to me, which is awkward and looks totally retarded, plus I have to keep messing with it (restarting it, turning the volume up/down, etc.) and well, it was just a huge hassle. That, and I talked to JP about his iPod and he convinced me it was a good idea.

Anyway, so up until yesterday I'd only downloaded 3 songs: Crazy for You by Madonna (a song that I can't help but sing along to at the top of my lungs regardless of how much I slaughter it), I Can't Make You Love Me and Something to Talk About by Bonnie Raitt. I wanted to only download the songs that I really wanted and never get to hear, seeing as how I don't have a lot of money to spend on music (the iPod itself was $340 with insurance at Best Buy). And, well, looking through the iTunes music store is really overwhelming and intimidating. I mean, I've missed out on so much music over the last 2+ years, I don't even know where/how to start in catching up. How would I? I wasn't here, so I don't what's been released. But I digress.

So, after much agonizing over whether or not I should purchase the Garden State soundtrack (did I mention I had no money?), I bit the bullet and downloaded it. I saw Garden State while I was in Ukraine and loved both the film (Natalie Portman is so cute in that movie it almost makes me hate her), and the music.

Wow, what a great album! I think my favorite song is Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers, although I really like both the Cold Play and Theivery Corporation songs....and then there's that last track by Bonnie Sommerville. They're all fantastic. The only problem is now I feel like I should go and download albums by all the artists and I simply can't do that. It's too much. Too too much. Stupid iTunes.

Lazy

Look to the left side of your screen. Is that not the cutest picture of me ever? It was taken in Pervomaisk (that would be the town I served in while in Peace Corps) for my Russian visa. Actually, I feel kind of like a fraud putting it up: my hair isn't actually that blonde, nor are my eyes quite that blue. I feel like I'm lying. Maybe I should take it down and like put up a picture of me sitting around in my pjs. That would be more honest.

I slept in until 10:30 am. Good thing I don't have a job or life or anything. Okay, that's not fair. I do have a life. I read. I watch TV. I watch DVDs (damn you Ellen for suggesting I join Netflix). I surf the internet. I work out 4 or 5 times a week. Up until a few weeks ago I was working on grad school applications. In fact, come to think of it, up until a week ago I was pretty darn productive, what with working my temp job and writing essays or filling out applications. These last few days though, I've just been completely uninspired. I wonder why.

I've been playing with the idea of putting up an on-line personal ad. I'm not sure how serious I am about it, but I thought I'd throw the idea out and see what you all think. Is this a good idea? Is it safe? More importantly, should I use that wonderful picture to the left of this entry or a more honest one?

Happy International Women's Day!

Happy International Women's Day, everybody!

Maybe I'll celebrate by driving by the local Planned Parenthood and throwing tomatoes at protesters or something feminist and pro-woman like that.

In all seriousness, I really do love this holiday. In fact, I would say we should celebrate it in the U.S. except we'd turn it into just another overly commercialized holiday where we're obligated to buy each other presents. Or, in this case, men are obligated to do buy and do things for the women in their lives. It would be a pity to see it turn into that, so maybe it's best if it remains yet another day that those fun loving Eastern Europeaners celebrate.

I called Ukraine and talked to Oksana, my Ukrainian (as I like to refer to her) today. During the course of our conversation I started stumbling over my words a bit, prompting her to comment about my Russian worsening, which made me cringe internally. She's right, though, my Russian wasn't great when as I was talking to her. However, in my own defense (and as anyone who knows me would tell you, I rarely come to my own defense), I was speaking in Russian over the phone which I hate. That, and I was afraid she'd give me a guilt trip about not calling her on Orthodox Christmas (she didn't). Instead, she went on and on about how she was the luckiest person in the world: she'd gotten so many nice phone calls from so many people and now, to top it all off, she'd received one from me. Then she told me how much she missed me....three times.

So, all in all, it's been a pretty good day. It's not like most of the International Women's Days I've spent in the past around a table drinking shot after shot of vodka and shoveling food in my mouth but I'll take it.

Not your ordinary set of lists

Of course now that I have people actually coming to my blog and checking it out I don't have anything to say, really. It figures. So, instead I'll just take the easy way out and post some lists of random things. Everybody loves lists!

Four jobs I've had:

1. Barnes and Noble bookseller/cafe server/cafe lead (read: cafe assistant manager)
2. Standardized Test Scorer
3. Western Union Operator
4. Peace Corps Volunteer

Last four things I purchased:

1. Coffee
2. Ice Cream
3. Crazy for You by Madonna and 2 Bonnie Raitt songs on iTunes
4. iPod Nano-black...best purchase I've made in months, next to my computer

Four favorite dishes:
1. Anything with peanut butter and chocolate
2. Corn tamale appetizer from The Cheesecake Factory
3. Anything involving a tortilla, especially quesadillas
4. Blini (think crepes, except eastern european)

Four things I do that people always either laugh at me for or comment on:

1. The way I eat
2. The things I eat
3. My horrible spelling (people don't actually comment on what a horrible speller I am but I know they're thinking it--I can tell!)
4. My ability to beat myself up

Four incredibley stupid things the men I've dated have said to me:

1. "You're the heaviest girl I've ever dated" (I was 120 pounds, Tucker!)
2. "You're the most self-righteous person I've ever met and I hope it keeps you warm at night." (another gem from Tucker)
3. "It's your fault I drank so much. Why didn't you just take the bottle out of my hand?"
4. "Why can't you just stay here, in the States, with me? You know you're going to end up alone for the rest of your life." (as if those sorts of scare tactics would ever work on me. HA!)

Explanation

Now that you've found my site you're all probably wondering why I didn't let you in on the existance of this blog, especially considering I've had it for over three months now. I wish I could give a good explanation, but I can't really, other than I didn't feel like it before and now I do. I also realized this would be an excellent way to keep in touch with people I love, most of whom are scattered all over the world. Plus it will make me feel special if you post comments and stuff.

So, my friends, look around, read some of the archives (some posts are interesting and some aren't), and let me know what you think. Oh, and if you want to link me to your own blogs go right ahead.

In Like a Lamb

I finished my project at Pearson yesterday. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that bad. I thought I'd spend the entire 10 days bored out of my mind but it turned out to be a lot better than I expected. This makes me wonder if a) I've grown up a little and gotten better at just putting up with "adult" stuff like work, b) I'm slowly but surely becoming a work machine like my mother or c) my patience with this particuliar project is a total fluke and I'll go back to hating this job with the next project.

My mood has improved a little since getting my REJECTION letter from Carnegie Mellon, but not much. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised; it's a great school and there's quite a bit of competition to get in....I should've known better than to think I'd get in. Let this be a lesson to me.