Slightly recovered

I think I wrote myself through a mini-breakdown yesterday. In the past when this would happen I would do it privately; maybe I should start writing in a journal again to help me with this whole post-Peace-Corps-lawsuit-single-and-desperate phase. What do ya think?

I don't know what's come over me today and yesterday. I hate to admit this, but a large portion of my pissiness started when I weighed myself yesterday, which is ridiculous and stupid. My self-esteem should not be tied quite so much to how much I wiegh.

I mean come on, I'm not overweight, nor hideously ugly. I'm pretty driven and goal oriented, so I wouldn't call myself a loser. Occasionally it'll occur to me that I'm kinda smart (although sometimes I wonder, especially when I fuck up the quantative section of the GREs or my language proficency inventory after two years of studying and living in a Russian speaking enviroment). So what's up with beating myself up?

Yesterday I seriously considered writing a mass e-mail to everyone alerting them to the fact that I have a blog. I didn't though--I don't know why. In fact, I've been wondering what the point of keeping all this to myself is about. I love my close friends intensely--I think a lot of only children do that as a way of replacing the love they miss out on by not having brothers or sisters--but I love having secrets (also an only child thing). I pride myself on being able to keep secrets, so by not telling anyone I have this blog and occasionally writing about them I'm challenging myself. I wonder how long I can go without telling anyone. It'll probably come out when I'm drunk.

Hopefully today will be better than yesterday. I'm going to take a break from my graduate school essay and working out. I think I need a day of rest. It's funny--I feel like every day should be a day of rest considering I'm unemployed and all. It's not though.