Calling the ex

I broke down and called NCS today to find out about a job. No, I'm not super thrilled about the prospect of going back to the very same job I had before I left Iowa for Ukraine. In fact, the idea of sitting and starring at a screen reading the same fucking essay for 8+ hours a day makes me cringe, but I can suck it up for a couple of months and do it. I came to this conclusion after I recieved the one-two punch of my credit card bill and my student loan bill yesterday.

In theory I could probably get by with not working until I head out to Pittsburgh, but I'm afraid I'll end up getting absolutely nothing done without something else to do. This is how I work. If I don't have anything to do I sit on my ass, if I have a lot to do I manage to get everything done: I workout, I see my friends, I write, I read, and sometimes, if I'm feeling particuliarly ambitious, I even take a class or two. Thus, I decided it's a good idea if I get as much done as possible between Feburary and when I hopefully head of to Carnegie Mellon in mid-May. Now, I just have to get that fucking essay done. And retake the GREs. And revamp my resume.

Other than obsessing about grad school I've been thinking a lot about contacting some people I was "friends" with in Iowa City way back when I was in a miserable relationship and terribly frustrated with my life. For most people this would be a no-brainer: contact the friends, re-establish old bonds, stay on good terms with everyone. The problem is I'm not so sure I consider those people my friends. I mean, I have a big problem with all the shit that was talked about me when I was in Ukraine regarding some, uh, rather inappropriate things I said about my ex-boyfriend's then girlfriend. That and I'm not sure I have that much in common with those people any more. What the fuck are we going to talk about? Honestly, I have this vision of me talking about Ukraine with one of these people and then, once we've parted, they'll go on and on to a mutual aquaintance about how I all I talked about was Ukraine (which I've been very conscious of NOT doing since I arrived home). I hate that that's a very real possibility. I hate the fact that I'm twenty-nine and what people who aren't really my friends think of me actually matters. I hate that I'm already so lonely that, despite my misgivings, I'm considering calling one of them.

I am, however, going to call Jason. He may not know it, he may not like it, but he is going to talk to me, if only to tell me he never wants to hear from me again. I need to get some shit off my chest that I've been thinking about for the last 2 years and I need to just fucking say it and get it over with. I'm not sure which I'm more afraid of: him wanting to talk to me or him telling me I'm a horrible person and he never wants to see me again. One thing's for sure, no matter what I'm not going to let him blame me for his alcoholism or his ability to get his shit together and do any number of things he said he wanted to do. That's a burden I won't bare.