There's Nothing Wrong With Me

I've been a big slacker when it comes to blogging lately, guys, I know. This weekend was actually kind of full of biking and outdoorsy stuff, plus I was trying to finish my Schadenfreude entry, which, for some reason, took forever. But I'll shut up about that already and get to the good stuff ("good" mean "juicy" or "interesting" in this case, not as in "pleasant" or "joyful").

As some of you may know, a little over three years ago I was involved in an awful car accident, which has since resulted in me bringing a lawsuit against the 88 year old guy who hit me and his stupid fucking insurance company (sorry, I can't help my vitriolic anger towards insurance companies at this point--they ALL suck, trust me). I decided to not because I'm a greedy, money grubbing, good-for-nothing bitch, but because the insurance company of the guy who hit me tried to claim that my accident was "an Act of God". No, I'm not shitting you. This is an actual clause in some insurance policies.

Thankfully, they eventually realized that argument wasn't going to fly with me, my insurance company, or any sane judge or jury. However, other guy's insurance company doesn't want to cough up the money for the nearly $20,000 I've incurred in medical bills since June 2003. This causes a major problem seeing as how I still haven't recieved treatment for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I was diagnosed with in February of this year.

Now, those of you who know me personally might not be aware of my status as PTSD sufferer. That's because, well, I'm not very keen on labeling myself as such because I'm afraid people will think I'm crazy, which, contrary to what most people thought before I left for two years to live in a developing country, I'm not. I'm just....still a little haunted by my accident.

Anyway, Monday I had to go to the U of Iowa hospital and clinics for a mandatory evaluation. This evaluation was basically a "second opinion" requested on behalf of the other guy's insurance company. Needless to say I was looking forward to this like I would a root canal or filling out more paperwork for Peace Corps; I knew it would be a) long (like 5 hours, no shit), b) tedious, c) involve me re-living the events of my accident and d) result in the "doctor" doing the "evaluation" deciding there was "nothing wrong with me". Think about it, people: of course they're going to send me to an extremely conservative psychologist who doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me--it's only then that they'll have any bargaining tools to bargain with, right? The other guys insurance company stopped arguing months ago about who's fault it was; now it's a matter of how much I suffered, how much physical therapy and psychotherapy I'll need in the future and how much they want to avoid going to court. All these things need to be taken into account when deciding my settlement.

The appointment was about as bearable as it could be: they gave me a bunch of cognitive tests that measure my spatial, reasoning and verbal abilities. I scored "average" on the spatial and reasoning tests and "superior" on the verbal tests (big surpise there to all who know me, I'm sure). Before that, though, I had an interview with a Fellow (that's a title in medical field, not a reference to this gentleman's sex, although, he was a dude) in the Neuropsychology.

The interview was the part I was really dreading. Basically it's an hour to two hour long conversation where the psychologist asks me about the accident, how I feel about it, how it has affected my life, etc. Speaking vaguely about what's happened is something I can deal with, but going over a moment by moment account of everything that happened is really kind of traumatic. Basically I have to describe to an utter stranger how it felt to feel like I was going to die. I hate it. It makes me tear up even thinking about it.

So, after the interview and cognitive tests were done they gave me this personality test. I took this once before back in February (which I think I blogged about, but can't find the post, for some reason). It's 563 questions long. No kidding. It's basically a series of statements that you have to either answer true or false to depending on whether or not they apply to you. Some of the questions are really messed up, as in if-you-answer-yes-to-this-question-you-should-go- straight-to-the-looney-bin-do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200. Some of them are just really weird like, "I like science" or "sometimes I like to hurt animals for fun". I mean, who doesn't like science or hurting animals? (Just kidding)

After those tests, I went to lunch, got some good Scientist lovin' and ate some delicious leftover tamales we made from scratch (yup, we're that cool; they were good too!). Then I went back to the Neuropsychology clinic for my final 'consultation'.

Basically, to make a long story short the "expert" they had hired told me there was nothing wrong with me. Here's what he said: "While the nightmares that you're having, along with re-living the accident and being fearful of driving are definatley consistant with PTSD, I don't think there's anything wrong with you." Translation: "I'm fully aware that I'm going to be paid quite a bit of money to say there's nothing wrong with you. So, guess what? That's what I'm doing. " Gee, what a surprise!

Explain this to me: how the fuck does this expert know what's wrong with me if he never did ANY of the consultation? His Fellow spent a couple hours with me, the research assistant spent a lot of time with me, but the only time the good doctor even spoke to me was to tell me nothing at all was wrong with me. Um, okay. That makes a lot of sense. You know what I'm going to do with his opinion? I'm going to put up on the shelve with all the other useless advice I've gotten over the years and go with doing what's going to help me. And that means getting treatment for this damn disease and feeling better. Just watch me.