Waiting is Killing Me

Today is going to be one of the longest days of the summer. No, it has nothing to do with the summer solstice making the day at least seem longer or having to sit through hours of Firefly with my lovely Scientist. Rather, today is the day I'm finally going to find out if I was accepted into the Masters of Public Health Administration and Policy program at the University of Minnesota. How do I know this? Because, finally, after weeks of polite and not-all-that-polite hounding, I was promised by the academic co-ordinator at U of M that I will have an answer today. Still no word from Iowa.

Of course, when I first read that I felt a rush of excitement. AN ANSWER! Finally. But now, after examining my emotions regarding my impending admittance to an MPH program, I'm not so sure I want an answer either way, because that means the ball will be in my court.

If I'm only admitted into the U of Minnesota and not the U of Iowa, then my decision has pretty much been made for me (the same as if I'm only admitted into the U of Iowa and not the U of Minnesota, which is probably the least likely scenario of the two possible). That pretty much means I'm going to have to get my ass in gear and find a place in Minneapolis (how I'm going to do this, I don't know), get my financial aid stuff figured out, buy a car (no small task there, eh?), pack my shit and complete turn my relationship with the Scientist on its head. That last part--the part about completely uprooting my budding "romance" (God, I hate that word)--is the cause of my trepidation.

I don't want to leave him, but for the sake of my future career and limitless ambition, I think I may very well have to. I keep trying to reason with myself: Scientist will be finishing his Ph.D. this next year and its probably best if I'm not here to distract him, we've only been dating for about 2 months (a little less, actually) so I can not can not can not let this relationship dictate my future, I've never let a relationship control my decisions so I shouldn't start doing that now, etc. So, why is it nagging at me still? How did I let this man get to me so easily? How did he manage to weasel his way into my life so effortlessly without me noticing?

I can't win. I'll be really disappointed if I don't get in and I'll be really at a loss if I do get in. Jesus, why didn't someone warn me Adulthood sucked so much?

More waiting

It rained all weekend, damn it. Scientist and I didn't do squat. We watched Me, You and Everyone We Know which neither of us enjoyed. I love weird independent films, but I just got bored with this one. Then we watched Firefly which is the series the movie Serendipity is based on; I thought it was boring for the first 45 minutes, but then it got a lot better. Other than that we grilled, ate pancakes, and mourned the loss of a perfectly good weekend to shitty shitty weather. That and I tried not to get pissed about not hearing anything from U of Minnesota or U of Iowa.

The reason why I'm so irritated about not hearing anything from U of M/U of Iowa yet is not because of pure impatience. No, by not hearing anything from either school I can't move forward with any of my plans: I can't apartment hunt, look for a car, sign papers that will put me thousands of dollars in debt to the federal government, nothin'.... And furthermore, I find it both incredibly irresponsible and unprofessional that they haven't informed me of their decision yet; it's been almost 7 weeks for Christ's sakes!

Another potenially great weekend

I find it sad that after only one day off, I'm already kinda bored. Bored and anxious. I think I'm a little down because of the rainy weather and the very discouraging lack of response from either the U of M or the U of Iowa regarding my MPH application.

Yesterday, however, I had a fabulous day. Scientist and I went for a nice sweaty bike ride and had a typically wonderful evening together. If you guys saw how disgustingly cute we are, you'd puke. I think the Scientist's friends would tease him mercilessly if they heard some of the gooey sweet shit he says to me. I love it!

Tonight we're going to have dinner with my mom and then maybe go to B & N and geek out together. It's employee appreciation week, so we'll have access to my mom's 40% discount, which rocks my world.

I think next week I need to start brushing up on my Russian. I've totally neglected it the last six months, and I don't want to start losing it.

Have a great weekend guys!

My shitty day

Warning: If you don't want to hear me whine do not, I repeat, do not read the following post.

Yesterday was a shitty day. Here's why:

1. My project is still not done because my scorers, who are all cool people, keep either not showing up or calling in "sick". Yes, yes, I know I, their supervisor and supposed leader, called in sick on Friday, but that's different. I hadn't called in or missed, like 500 times (oh, I'm not even exaggerating so get off my back, bitch) and then decided to just skip the end of the project when my team needed me most, DAMN IT.

2. I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my entire life. God. Fucking. Damn. It. I guess this might be linked to me being able to bench press 70 lbs and lifting weights and stuff, but still. I don't feel heavy. I don't look heavy. ARRRGH.

3. I paid 173 fucking dollars for an medical exam yesterday (that's how much I know I weigh, bitch) after I was told that since I didn't make jack shit, I'd be eligible for a waiver. So, I don't make enough to actually pay for, say, insurance or the cost of a routine yearly exam, but I do make to much to qualify for a lil' assistance.

4. I had a scorer get pissed at me after I calmly explained I couldn't let him work overtime. This was after I had announced the decision to work overtime was not up to me and I had not received authorization to let them work over 8 hours.

5. Neither the University of Minnesota nor the University of Iowa has sent me my admittance/rejection letter. This was after I was told I'd know by now. I applied April 27th, for Christ fucking sakes, they should have an admission decision by now.

I'm going to go and pout in a corner now. See ya.

Hooky

I've made the executive decision that today, after 2 days of migranes and stress at work, I'm taking the day off. I need it. Badly. Yesterday I felt so shitty I almost curled up under my desk at work and took a nap. No kidding.

In other, much more positive, news, I bought a bike yesterday. It's red. It rides like a dream. It's a Giant (that would be the brand name). Bikes certainly have changed since I was a kid with a pink ten speed Schwinn; this one has two different sets of gears, as well as a front brake and a back brake.

More importantly, though, I totally kicked the Scientist's ass when went for a ride last night. I think he thought he'd have to, like, slow down for me and stuff. Instead, he was the one huffing and puffing by the end of our ride, while I was only a little tired (okay, the hills by his place do suck a little). It felt good to get some solid outdoor exercise; I forgot how much I love late spring and early summer in Iowa.

I'm wearing a skirt today

Three day weekends rock, don't you agree? I'm excited about this weekend but I'd be more excited if my Scientist were in town, but seeing as how he's off hanging out with grandma and spotting bobcats feasting on roadkill while whizzing down the open road, I'm out of luck.

I also wish I would've heard something from the U of Minnesota and the U of Iowa by now. I turned my application over 4 weeks ago and haven't heard squat. I think on Tuesday I'll give both departments a call. I was told by both parties that I should have heard something by now.

I haven't got much planned really; I'm going to look for a bike (does anyone in the area know where to get a good mountain bike?), read, hang out with my dad, work out and maybe call a few people I haven't talked to in a while.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Sexual Harassment Soapbox

I was having a great day until about 4 pm when I called my lawyer to ask him about something regarding the status of my case. I won't bore you with the details, but needless to say I got a little testy and now I'm in a pissy mood. I even ditched my Pilates class and workout to come home, pout, listen to my iPod and fix myself some comfort food.

I lodged a formal complaint against Jackass yesterday. Apparently, he went into HR on Tuesday morning and talked to our HR guy (who, incidentally really likes me, as most people at my job do), who then requested that I write down an account of everything happened. After I'd written everything up my boss, H, and I then went in and talked to HR guy. I got the whole speech about howI shouldn't have to put up with this type of harassment, blah blah blah. Everyone nodded their heads and agreed Jackass had, indeed, been a jackass and if anything else happened I shouldn't hesitate to come to HR guy and we would then "deal with Jackass in the appropriate manner". In other words, his ass will be fired.

What I found a little, well, disturbing was a series of comments H made regarding what would have been the appropriate manner for Jackass to ask me out and how this was a 'generational thing'. According to her, part of the problem with this "whole thing" was the difference between how my generation deals with "this sort of situation" and the way H and Jackass's generation deals with it. H said, "If he had said something like this to me, I would have, you know...blown it off [insert wild hand wave here]. But your generation [nod to me] doesn't deal with it that way...which you shouldn't. Jackass [okay, that's not his real name, I'll admit it], needs to learn how to control himself."

Color me stupid, but I think part of the reason why Jackass still has a fucking job at Pearson is because of a general belittling, oh-it's-not-that-serious feeling towards sexual harassment, as H expressed, there. I absolutely agree with H--a small part of Jackass's problem is that he didn't grow up with SH policies at the work place like I did. But the other, larger part of the problem, the part that I think caused him to open his fucking mouth, is that he a) honestly does think what he did was inappropriate and b) he's never been called on it even though he's acted inappropriately towards other women at at least two different jobs. It's attitudes like H's, not to mention the attitude of the other supervisor on my project who led to him thinking it was okay to say that to me.

The other highly suspect thing H said was, "it totally would have been different had he asked you out in the parking lot at work, alone, than doing it like he did at work in front of everyone." When I made the comment that, yeah it totally would have been different, it would have creeped me out even more to have him approach me in a parking lot alone, she said, "Oh no, that would have been some guy just asking you out. That would have been okay."

Um, I beg to differ. I've had people ask me out before outside of work and when I've turned them down, our work relationship has either turned sour or really strained. I'm not saying you can't date someone you work with (God knows I've dated plenty of my co-workers; my last relationship was with a man that was my boss), but you have to be very careful how you approach that person. Asking someone, say, to go to a party, or out with a bunch of people is a way to spend time with that person and not run the risk of either a) rejection, b) seeing if that person is truly interested and c) avoiding charges of SH.

I don't want to crucify this guy, but, really, if I don't take the higher ground here and make this about him acting and saying things that are inappropriate in a professional setting he'll simply keep doing it. History has proven that. I hate being the example as well as making an example of another person in order to prove a point but I feel like in this situation I need to see this through to the end.

Working girl

Work has been more stressful than usual. As most of you know, I'm working as a supervisor at Pearson for the next few weeks on a project. The beginning of any new project kind of sucks; the scorers don't know what they're doing, I don't know what I'm doing (although I have to pretend like I do), there's mass confusion, etc. Nothing too unusal or unexpected.

Unfortunately, one thing I didn't expect was a jackass on my team (he's what you would call my 'subordinate', I guess) hitting on me in front of everyone, and, when I didn't respond the way he wanted, making a fool out of himself and embarrassing me. This is how it went down:

(Me and 45 year old subordinate discussing a paper)
Him: You know, if you weren't my supervisor I'd ask you out.
Me:(standing there, blinking, and in shock)
Him: You're suppose to say, "Oh no, that's okay."
Me: (feeble laugh, still in shock)

About two seconds after that took place, J (one of my two bosses), charged up and started scolding Jackass for misscoring a paper. I siezed that opportunity to slink off, but was inundated with questions by a scorer sitting near Jackass. J, after finishing his rather strenuous speech about how poorly Jackass was scoring then pulled me aside and proceeded to tell me that he had heard the entire exchange between me and Jackass (as did a bunch of people around us, I found out later) and would "totally back me up" in I went to HR about it. I honestly think he was more upset about it than I was.

I ended up not needing to go to HR, seeing as how the whole situation was taken out of my hands when H found out about it. It seems as though this isn't the first time Jackass has hit on his supervisor; in fact, he hit on the supervisor on the other team (my project is divided into three teams) repeatedly on a previous project. As a result she had requested he not be on her team, and thus he was put on mine.

And as if those two incidents alone didn't make him a big enough insensitive dickhead, I was told later that he was fired from his last job for having an affair with his boss's wife! Can you believe that shit? I thought that stuff only happened in on TV. Who would be stupid enough to sleep with their boss's wife....and then, once they've been fired from that job to continue to hit on women at their new job? Does this man only think with the head in his pants, for Christ's sakes?

Thankfully, today we had a re-ordering of teams, and Jackass is no longer my problem. I think I may go ahead and have a private conversation with HR about how I think they should strongly consider firing this man. Permanently. I'm actually surprised they haven't done it already.

A Fabulous Weekend

Finally, summer has (more or less) arrived in Iowa!

I had a wonderful weekend. I spent basically all of it in Iowa City with the Scientist. In fact, I guess you could say it was a turning point, of sorts, with him: he introduced me to his friends, showed me where he worked, cooked for me and went shopping at the girliest of girly stores for smelly soap.

It was awesome. I didn't get sick of him, I don't think he got tired of me, the two friends of his I met were super sweet, he didn't make fun of my weird food habits--what more could I ask for? Other than having met him about 5 months ago...

Teensy weensy bit guilty

Why, oh why, do I have to go back to work on Tuesday?

I guess it'll be nice to have something to do other than work out, read and hang out with the Scientist, which is precisely what I've been doing this whole weekend.

Speaking of the Scientist, I'm becoming a bigger and bigger fan the more I get to know him. Yes, he's conservative, which is certainly a change from the men I usually date, but he's not socially conservative which is really what's most important to me (no homophobes for me, thank you very much). That, and he's really pretty open minded and respects my opinions, which often times differ greatly from his (on Tuesday we had a heated discussion about the role biology plays in determining the destinies of each gender respectively). He's a good cook and gives me a lot of shit, in addition to being able to take it, which is a nice.

There were numerous times over the weekend where I almost came clean about this blog, but swallowed my confession at the last minute. I guess I want to see where this is all going, in addition to feeling like I should hold something back. I know this is ridiculous, but I feel like I'm jinxing things by acknowledging to him that I've been so openly positive about things going on between us in such a public way.

God, that looks even dumber in print than it sounds in my head.

I heart Federal Student Aid

Yesterday I received a letter from the Financial Aid office at Marquette. They want to give me almost $30,000 for my first year of graduate school there.

I thought receiving a letter that clearly stated in black and white how much I was really going to need to borrow (and eventually pay back) would flip me out, but it had just the opposite effect: I felt relieved. No matter what happens regarding my applications to the University of Iowa and the University of Minnesota, I know I can always go to Marquette.

I've pretty much decided that if I'm admitted to the University of Minnesota, I'll accept. I think....See, I say, er, write that, and suddenly I can think of 5 reasons why I should choose Marquette over Minnesota: it's a small school, by getting a degree focused on Public Service I'll be able to easily move into other areas of non-profit work, I'll get (some) more non profit experience at MU, Milwaukee will be cheaper than Minneapolis, and it would be nice to challenge myself yet again by moving TOTALLY out of my comfort zone to a city I've never even been to (unlike Minneapolis which is about as familiar to me as any city out of state can be because I spent time there as a child).

Getting that letter from Marquette also made me a teensy weensy bit sad. See, for all my bitching about being back home, it's been wonderful to be home and spend time with my mom and all you guys (this is about as close to a collective hug and kiss as I can give y'all via the internet, folks). I've hung out with all the people I love as well as made a number of new friends, none of which I could do if I were any place but Iowa.

I'm also unsure about what to do with the Scientist. I've been seeing him for only a few weeks, but I really like him. In fact, I think he's pretty fucking great, even if he is politically conservative (I know, it makes me cringe too). He's really smart, funny as hell, thoughtful, a great conversationalist, challenges me constantly and, well, he thinks I'm the shit. I was really up front with him about my plans to flee from the first time we met, but, well, now I'm starting to think it's not going to be so easy to just leave. Time won't make this any easier; it'll just complicate both of our feelings for each other. I'm not going to think about that now, though. I'm just going to have fun and enjoy his company.

Post-accident

It's been a rollercoaster week so far. I wish I could avoid these ridiculously emotional weeks where I swing from one intensely dramatic mood to another. It's exhausting and I'm a total bitch and I know it, which, in turn, make me frustrated and even more bitchy.

The thing that seems to set me off, almost without fail, is when I have any sort of appointment relating to my lawsuit or any pain that resulted from injuries incurred in my accident. This week I've had both.

On Monday I had an appointment with my newest physical therapist for a running assessment. I was really jazzed about this appointment because I foolishly thought having my running "assessed" would mean I would be back on my way to starting a running program, which I haven't been able to maintain in any way, shape or form because of my back injuries. A problem arose when I started having back and hip pain on Thursday, which I alerted my PT to and subsquently cancelled my appointment because of, last week. I was still having problems on Monday, but my PT, seemed unperturbed about it and when I showed up on Monday said she wanted me to continue anyways. I foolishly ignored my better judgement and experience in this area and decided to trust her judgement and go along with the assesment anyways.

So, I got on the treadmill, as instructed, and walked and, later ran. And, other than being completely disconcerted by the fact that I had two women totally staring at my ass and "evalutating" me as I trotted along, things went okay. I was even impressed by my ability to run for several minutes on end and not really get winded at all. Not bad for a three year break (more or less).

What unfolded after my run was what irritated the hell out of me. After I had finished running they basically told me my form was all wrong--I was compensating for tension in my hip and a bad achilles in my left heel. Then, I got down on the floor and proceeded to completely fuck up the exercises I had been shown a week and a half before. I had on a moderate amount of control over my right hip flexors and was totally doing an exercise incorrectly.

Now, I've had bouts of pain worse than this most recent episode before. The incredibley frustrating thing about this appointment was my PT kept looking at the other woman who was clearly more experienced and was acting in what I can only assume to be a supervisory role, and saying "She was so much more stable and controlled last time...." In fact, I bet she repeated this, face flushed and clearly irritated at me (?!), half a dozen times in the 45 minutes I was there. We ended the session with her uttering this phrase again to me, very quickly running through the exercises I had been messing up and rushing me out the door.

I was pissed off. I felt like this woman had wronged me in two very real ways: a) she gave me some seriously false hope which led to a great deal of frustration on my part when it didn't work out the way we had hoped and b) she had the gall to get irritated at me when I was the one in pain. How messed up is that? Now, I realize I may have made her look silly in front of her boss, but for Christ's sake, I didn't do it intentionally and in the grand scheme of things, my on-going back pain is far more serious than her looking a little like a jackass in front of someone she wanted to impress.

I've talked about this before with my friends and family but I don't think any one--not one single fucking person reading this blog right now--can understand how frustrating, disheartening and absolutely maddening is it for me to continue to have health problems as a result of my accident. I was explaining this to the Scientist a couple days ago. I said that I often times divide my adult life into two distinct periods: the life pre-accident and then my life post-accident. Not even Peace Corps has had a big of an effect on how I conduct myself and live my life on a day-to-day basis as those 10 seconds three years ago. My accident was as much a part of my Peace Corps experience as being single and female was: it is a part of me now. And that really fucking sucks.

'Napolis is the bomb

I think I may be in love with Minneapolis.

In fact, so many great things happened both before and during my trip to Minneapolis I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I could do something lame like make a list, but that would be a poor excuse for a blog entry and entirely inappropriate given the wonderful time I had. No, instead I'll embark on a too-long synopsis of my 4 day trip to 'Napolis.

The impetus for my trip was a silent auction. Unless you're dead or have been completely tuning me out for the last, oh, 5 years or so, you know I spent some time in Ukraine as a Peace Corps volunteer, and over the course of that I time I became entangled in various camps, seminars, committees and projects.

One of the two most productive projects I worked on was a camp organized by my amazing friends Rosa and Wendy. I had the incredible good fortune of living only three hours north of the town they served in, Nikolaev (that would be Mykoliav in Ukrainian), and over the course of the two years I served in Ukraine was coaxed into working on ennumberable projects they thought up. The most consuming of those projects was the regrettably named Camp ABC (American Borsht Camp--the campers came up with the name, not us, and I cringed every time I heard it last year).

Camp ABC was by far the most rewarding (if not the most exhausting) project I participated in as a Peace Corps Volunteer. For two weeks I taught civics and writing to about 50 teachers and students between the ages of 15-22. I felt like, for once, I was having an impact on the students and was facilitating meaningful cross-cultural dialogue as opposed to forcing the students to talk. We, the volunteers, also had the amazingly good fortune to work with a fabulous group of Ukrainian college kids who acted as counselors and teaching assistants.

After last year's smashing success of Camp ABC, Rosa and Wendy decided to expand the camp internationally and try and attract students from all over Europe and the U.S. As it stands right now we have applicants from Armenia, Georgia, Macedonia, Albania, Belorus and the U.S. planning on attending....Rosa/Wendy also made the executive decision to change the name of the camp to International Outreach Camp (IOC). Thank God.

Of course, with the expansion for the camp came the need for more money. So, in addition to having everyone involved apply for any and every possible grant that we had even a remote chance of receiving, Rosa started appealing to Minneapolis based businesses for services that we could auction off in a silent auction. And boy did she get some cool stuff!

So, on Monday, Rosa and I spent all day running around getting stuff organized and hauling items from one place to another. While I wouldn't describe it as "fun", it was really nice to spend some quality time with Rosa, as well as feel like I'm still contributing to the camp.

Things went well. We didn't end up raising as much money as we had hoped given all the things we had to auction off, but we were still successful overall. I also ended up with an awesome new bag and a Russian doll from Baltic Imports in Minneapolis--all for only $29! Not bad. Plus, I spent my money knowing it was going to an excellent cause.

Tuesday, my mom and I went to the Mall of America were I proceeded to spend a buttload of money. I'm usually very hesitant to spend money on myself, but I desperately needed sandals and shirts (not to mention those little foamy things that go over my iPod earbuds--I keep losing them). That, andI have miraculously mangaged to hold onto the majority of my readjustment allowance.

Wednesday, my mom and I went back to the mall, shopped a little more and then headed to the University of Minnesota campus where I had an appointment with a professor at the School of Public Health. It was, when all was said and done, a productive appointment. In all honesty, though, I guess thought I would be meeting with someone from the department that had more clout as far as my impending admittance to the Public Health Administration and Policy program was concerned. The gentleman I met with at the SPH is the director of a certificate program I'm interested in pursuing at U of M, not a member of the admittance committee. Nevertheless, he was duly impressed with my Peace Corps experience and seemed excited about having someone who was interested in doing HIV/AIDS work in Eastern Europe. If I'm accepted into the program I will be the only person doing any work/research in Eastern Europe. I guess that would make me a trail blazer.

The last exciting thing that happened while I was in Minneapolis came in the form of an e-mail from the Peace Corps Washington office. It appears as though I am, in fact, qualified for the recruiter position and my file has been approved and forwarded on to the Peace Corps Minneapolis office. That means I have to basically continue waiting in the vain hope that someone in the Peace Corps Minneapolis office will contact me for a interview. I'm really trying not to get excited, seeing as how even if I DO get a call from the Minneapolis office and do go to said interview, I still won't get the job. Hey, if being negative and refusing to believe I will be offered this job has worked well thus far, why start being up-beat and hopeful now?

Minnnnnneapolis

I may or may not be posting anything for the next few days: I'm going to Minneapolis and I'm not sure if I'll have internet access or time to write anything. Here are the things I hope to accomplish while gone:

1. Get drunk with JP. Really drunk.
2. Impress JP's girlfriend, Tara, with my slurred toasts in Russian.
3. Buy clothes.
4. Avoid screaming children at the Mall of America.
5. Help my friend Rosa with her auction.
6. Try not to kill my mother after spending 3 days non-stop with her.
7. Meet with a professor at the University of Minnesota and convince him to give me money and admit me.

It'll be a full weekend. I'm determined to accomplish number one and number four at the very least.

Stuart Davis

Last night the Scientist and I went to see Stuart Davis, which was, unsurprisingly, immensely enjoyable. I think it had been almost three years since I'd seen him play, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that I recognized almost none of the songs he played in his first set. Nevertheless, it was weird to go to his show and realize how completely out-of-the-loop I am in regards to music in general. Seeing Stuart and not knowing any of the songs just underscored that.

The Scientist and I had been at the Mill for maybe an hour or so when none other than Greg and Gretchen showed up. I hadn't seen Greg in like 4 months, so it was nice to chat and bum cigarettes off him. Greg also became the first person to ever refer to this blog in public. When I introduced Greg to the Scientist, Greg whispered to me, "Is this the guy you mentioned on your blog?" It literally startled me for a minute: I was afraid Scientist had heard, plus I'm guess I'm still getting use to the idea of being a "blogger". I've never been very hip and this is a title that just smacks of post-modern coolness, thus my reaction to Greg's comment.

It turns out my dear friend Greg hasn't been reading my blog and thought the guy I was referring to was PhD guy from over a month ago. Shame on you, Greg for not reading my blog (I'm kidding, of course).

Greg's comment actually raised an issue that has crossed my mind on several occasions: if I get involved with someone (and my magic eight ball indicating whether or not I'll get involved with the Scientist is still decidedly undecided) at what point do I tell them a) I have a blog and b) I've written about them? There was actually a moment when I was out with PhD guy, when, upon mentioning that I like to write, he asked me, "So, when you say you like to write, what do you mean? What do you like to write?" The honest and straight forward answer, of course, would've been "Oh, nothing serious...I generally just enjoy writing for my blog." Instead, however, I said, "Uh...er...Uh...I like to, you know, uh, write essays and in my journal and stuff." In other words, I lied.

It was, in fact, a good thing I didn't tell PhD guy I had a blog because then he would've asked for the address (as any curious person would have), found my blog, read all about how I felt about him and been totally creeped out. That and, upon finding out he wasn't interested in me, I would've been mortified with embarrassment and not hung out with him like I have after he made it clear to me he just wanted to be friends. And that would've been a damn shame considering how much I enjoy talking with him about politics, teaching, travel, etc.

So, do I wait to see what comes of this thing with the Scientist and then tell him? Am I being dishonest by not telling him or smart in waiting things out before deciding whether or not to tell him?

Three cheers!

Well, it's official: I've submitted my applications to the University of Minnesota and the University of Iowa. Now, I wait.

It's funny, when I first arrived home I was dead set against applying to the University of Iowa and staying here any longer than I absolutely had to. But now, well, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I stayed in Iowa City, I guess. I mean.....I don't know, as soon as I say that this alarm goes off in my head. It screams, "DON'T DO IT! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! YOU CAN ONLY BUILD A SOLID CAREER OUTSIDE OF IOWA! YOUNG PEOPLE YOUR AGE ARE FLEEING IOWA BECAUSE THERE ARE SO FEW OPPORTUNITIES!"

And yet, it would be so so easy to stay here. I know my fear of resettling in Iowa is completely irrational, and, moreover, is directly related to my fear of ending up trapped here with a family. Don't ask me how staying here for graduate school will somehow magically evolve into me being miserable and strapped down with a family. It's an irrational fear: that's why it makes no sense. Unfortunately, I rarely make any sense.

Wednesday night I had a few beers with this guy in Iowa City who I met (you guessed it) on-line. He's a PhD candidate in a health related field at the University of Iowa (from here on out I'll call him the Scientist). I had a really great time: we drank beer at the Deadwood and talked and talked. He's funny and super smart, and, apparently not into playing head games because he e-mailed me the next day telling me how much he liked hanging out with me and wanted to go out again. Isn't that cool? Three cheers for smart, fun, straight forward men!

Annoyed

I have finally found the one thing more annoying than applying to graduate school: applying for a federal job. Yup, I have managed to find, apply for and endure yet another long and highly annoying application process. I'm getting really good at applying for stuff. I'm also starting to loose steam for doing such things.

I'm applying for a job as a recruiter with Peace Corps. I would be shocked if I got a call for an interview and flabbergasted if I actually got the job. Seriously. Although, on paper I have a lot of things they're looking for: sales experience (EASY--8 years of retail experience), public speaking and training experience (see: supervisor experience at aforementioned retail job, test supervisor experience and PCV experience), as well as being a RPCV (duh).

I don't know why I don't think I won't get a call back....I guess I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. That and if I did get a call for an interview I'd really get my hopes up, only to have them dashed by some stiff in a suit in one of the Peace Corps Washington offices.

Seriously, though, I think I would be a really good recruiter. I'm enthusiastic, fairly friendly, a good judge of character (I'd be interviewing PC applicants and evaluating their potential as possible volunteers), and I can speak with experience and authority on every possible fucked up thing that could happen to one while serving in the Peace Corps. Medical Emergencies? Done it. Awful primary assignment? Been there. Political instability in host country? Seen it. Enduring sexism and lookism on a massive scale? Don't get me started....

In other news, I have a beer drinking engagement with a very pleasant young man in IC tomorrow. He's a graduate student at the University of Iowa who I started chatting with on-line and seems like a nice enough guy (yes, I met him via match). He seems very low key. We'll see what happens.

I think I may have scared Travel Guy off. Oh well.

Bark bark bark

You know that expression about a dog's bark being much worse than his bite? That would be a very good way of describing my date on Saturday. Travel Guy was much more alpha male via e-mail than he was in person. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, if you look back on the people I've dated in the past I don't generally like manly men; they remind me too much of those assholes that use to make fun of me for having crazy hair and wearing combat boots in high school. They remind me of Slater fucking Bayliss. ICK.

But I digress. So, I was more than a little nervous on Saturday. Like really nervous. I'm not sure I like the whole element of surprise that comes with this on-line dating thing.

I took my sweet time getting there, too. I hate being early and waiting for someone I don't know. I had to do this with PhD guy everytime we got together and I hated it. I don't know why. I feel too eager or something if I'm there first.

When I walked into our designated meeting point (it was a chain restaurant), I wasn't sure what to do so I stood in the entrance for a second. I had seen a picture of him via his website (which details his extensive travel), but still wasn't sure I'd know him immedately or anything. I was kind of relying on him to recognize me since I have the same picture I have posted on my Blogger profile posted on my Match profile, and, well, said picture looks like me.

I stood there for a second and noticed this cute guy waving at me. Unfortunately, this doesn't ever happen randomly in restaurants, so I figured this guy was Travel Guy. I went over, sat down next to him and we immedately started chatting as we waited for our table.

The first thing I noticed was how nervous he was, which immedately put me at ease. I remember reading once that when someone is attracted to you or there's chemistry between you and another person you have a tendancy of dropping stuff or becoming really inarticulate all of a sudden. Travel Guy dropped stuff throughout the night, which I thought was really endearing. For some reason, his unease made me relax a lot.

Once we were seated we had a really nice conversation. We talked about Russia, traveling, Peace Corps, etc. He asked a lot of really good questions and there wasn't really any uncomfortable pauses. The one thing that was a little off putting though was the waitress shamelessly flirting with him. I've had this happen once before. In fact, years ago I was with Jason at another chain restaurant in IC and a waitress hit on him in front of me so many times throughout the hour and a half we were there I almost said something to her. She did not get a tip; she did, however, get a really nasty look from me.

At the end of dinner we got up to leave, and then once we were outside he shook my hand and thanked me for a nice time. I told him I had a great time and it was nice meeting him, etc. No plans were made to get together again. I wasn't disappointed as much as I was confused. A hand shake is not a good time, but had he tried anything else I ....don't know what I would've done.

A hand shake though?

Anyway, so that was Saturday. Since then I've e-mailed him and there's been maybe a hint of another date, but I'm not sure (he told me I had a great smile, he had a good time and then made some suggestive comment about a back rub, but no offer for another date). I'd go out with him again. He's an interesting person, and, at the very least, we'd have a great conversation. And then I'd have another male friend (big sigh). I'm going to end up with my own army of male friends, as Brian, JP, Dan, Greg, Noel, and PhD guy can all tell you. Maybe Ellen was right about this one.

Attack of the Alpha Male (or Please Weigh In On What To Do With This One)

So, as many of you know from talking to me or reading this blog, I've posted an on-line profile on Match.com (if you don't know this you haven't been reading my blog very closely because I discussed it at length on the post previous to this one). Much to my relief, I've gotten a few winks and e-mails and, in turn, have sent a few myself. It's been entertaining, to say the least.

Anyway, so just a little while after I posted my profile on-line I received an e-mail from this guy who lives not too far from me asking me about my Peace Corps experience. I looked at the link to his website that he provided; he's been all over the world and seems to be interesting, so I e-mailed him back. What the hell, right?

What ensued has been, uh, pretty interesting. Right off the bat he started in with these pretty sharp, thought provoking questions. In his first e-mail to me, he asked me if my ex were strapped to a lie detector what would be the three things he would say he missed most about me and the three things he missed least about me. I won't go into my answers (unless you really want me to), but needless to say I was kind of impressed by the boldness of his question: this is no, run-of-the-mill "So what kind of music do you like?" sort of inquiry. So, I took the bait and replied.

That was when it got interesting.

By the third round of e-mails he was asking me three reasons why I should go out with him. Now, I thought at first this was just a tad arrogant and considered not responding, but then decided given the playful banter via our e-mails, he probably didn't mean to come across arrogant and was testing the waters to see if I'd go out with him. I responded with the typical bullshit about me being interesting and able to hold my own in a conversation, yada yada yada. Then I shot back with the same question: why should I go out with him? Why is he so special?

However, instead of giving me three good reasons why I should go out with him, he gave me three reasons why I shouldn't. The first reason was because he's unabashedly politically conservative (I called myself 'Very Liberal' on my profile, thus a reason why I wouldn't be wild about going out with him), but that he respects others' views and most of his friends are liberal, as he was in the past. (I wondered what made him go over to the dark side?)

The second reason was because he wasn't interested in getting married or having kids any time soon. This made me chuckle because, as most of you know, for years and years I was adamently opposed to the idea of getting married, let alone having a brood of children. I still have days where I question my ability to stay with one person for the rest of my life, let alone bring another person into the world.

The third reason was because he gave good neck and foot massages and would spoil me for other men (no, seriously, I shit you not, he said that). This is where the whole arrogant part comes, in just in case you hadn't picked up on that.

Needless to say, I wasn't sure what to do after receiving this e-mail. I'm so use to dealing with mild mannered, "soft" (as Brian so accurately put it) people, especially boyfriends, that I waffled about what to do. Do I respond? Do I ignore him? Do I shoot back with a who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are response?

After weighing my options I decided to take the bait. Again. I e-mailed him back and said that a) I wouldn't hold him being conservative against him as long as he didn't hold me being a feminist and liberal against me, b) I'm not looking to get married or have kids either, so that was a non-issue and c) what exactly was he looking to get out of this? Dinner? Someone to hang out with? Sex? What. I told him I was a little hesitant to go out with him. I also mentioned my neck had been giving me problems lately (I kind of regret saying that last bit, but I couldn't resist).

The last e-mail from him seemed to be a bit tamer. He basically said he just wants to have dinner to see if we get along and that was it. This seemed reasonable, and, I'll admit it, by now I was really curious to see what this globe-trotting Republican was like so I said have dinner with him, but that I wanted to chat with him a bit first.

So, I talked to him last night and he seemed like a pretty nice guy. Not arrogant. Just self confident. We chatted about Russia, my grad school plans, etc., and then we set up plans to have dinner in IC on Saturday. This is all fine and good except....

I'm actually really nervous about meeting this guy. What if he's a total dick and I'm stuck having dinner with him forevvverrrr? What if he's crazy? Worse yet, what if he's really cool (I'll overlook the whole Republican thing for arguement's sake here), and he doesn't think I'm cute or smart enough to date (see PhD guy episode from March)? What if I don't live up to the on-line expectations he has of me based on my pictures or profile? What if I'm a disappointment? What do I do? What do you think?

Matchiness

Yesterday was the last day of the project I've been working on for over a month. I'm so so happy it's over.

Today, I'm going to a whole lotta sittin' around, reading and preparing cover letters to accompany the resumes I will be sending out to part-time non-profits in Milwaukee. I'm not sure what I'm going to say in the aforementioned cover letters to explain that my employment at said non-profit is critical to my admission to the Public Service program. It's kind of weird situation. The woman I've been in contact with at Marquette told me I should some how work in that I might be open to staying in Milwaukee after I finish my degree and, circumstances permitting, at their organization. At first I thought that was a good idea, but then I thought, "I'm applying to $12-$13 per hour part time jobs. Do they honestly expect me to stay on after I finish my degree?" That seems a little unreasonable. I think it's pretty cool that they'd pretty much have me locked into their organization for almost 2 years. I mean, I just want to alert these organizations to my situation and that doing things like looking at their budget and applying for a grant for their organization is part of my employment there. The question is this; how do I word it in a cover letter so that it's clear but not overly verbose? How do I convince them this is a good idea? Just play the I-was-a-Peace-Corps-volunteer-and-you-should-totally-hire-me-based-on-my-good-will card?

Speaking of playing cards, I decided to bite the bullet and post a profile on Match.com, and good Lord, have I gotten a lot of lonely Midwestern men e-mailing me. It's fucking insane! Honestly ( and this is not a judgment on anyone else), I felt kinda weird doing this whole on-line dating thing, like it was a last resort, but it seems to be working out okay. I mean, I need to give it a chance, right?

Anyway, playing the whole Peace Corps card thing on Match is really working out well. I think the men who have e-mailed me are under the mistaken impression that I'm sort of saint or something. I mean, sure, I'm a nice girl, but the do-gooderness aspect of saying I'm a returned volunteer just adds a whole new dimension to it. That, and I think that despite the fact that I've said I'm not interested in someone who's intent on outward appearances, they like my picture. That pisses me off a little, I'll be honest. You should like someone for who they are; being intent on how someone looks is very eighth grade. I want nothing to do with that.