Teensy weensy bit guilty

Why, oh why, do I have to go back to work on Tuesday?

I guess it'll be nice to have something to do other than work out, read and hang out with the Scientist, which is precisely what I've been doing this whole weekend.

Speaking of the Scientist, I'm becoming a bigger and bigger fan the more I get to know him. Yes, he's conservative, which is certainly a change from the men I usually date, but he's not socially conservative which is really what's most important to me (no homophobes for me, thank you very much). That, and he's really pretty open minded and respects my opinions, which often times differ greatly from his (on Tuesday we had a heated discussion about the role biology plays in determining the destinies of each gender respectively). He's a good cook and gives me a lot of shit, in addition to being able to take it, which is a nice.

There were numerous times over the weekend where I almost came clean about this blog, but swallowed my confession at the last minute. I guess I want to see where this is all going, in addition to feeling like I should hold something back. I know this is ridiculous, but I feel like I'm jinxing things by acknowledging to him that I've been so openly positive about things going on between us in such a public way.

God, that looks even dumber in print than it sounds in my head.

I heart Federal Student Aid

Yesterday I received a letter from the Financial Aid office at Marquette. They want to give me almost $30,000 for my first year of graduate school there.

I thought receiving a letter that clearly stated in black and white how much I was really going to need to borrow (and eventually pay back) would flip me out, but it had just the opposite effect: I felt relieved. No matter what happens regarding my applications to the University of Iowa and the University of Minnesota, I know I can always go to Marquette.

I've pretty much decided that if I'm admitted to the University of Minnesota, I'll accept. I think....See, I say, er, write that, and suddenly I can think of 5 reasons why I should choose Marquette over Minnesota: it's a small school, by getting a degree focused on Public Service I'll be able to easily move into other areas of non-profit work, I'll get (some) more non profit experience at MU, Milwaukee will be cheaper than Minneapolis, and it would be nice to challenge myself yet again by moving TOTALLY out of my comfort zone to a city I've never even been to (unlike Minneapolis which is about as familiar to me as any city out of state can be because I spent time there as a child).

Getting that letter from Marquette also made me a teensy weensy bit sad. See, for all my bitching about being back home, it's been wonderful to be home and spend time with my mom and all you guys (this is about as close to a collective hug and kiss as I can give y'all via the internet, folks). I've hung out with all the people I love as well as made a number of new friends, none of which I could do if I were any place but Iowa.

I'm also unsure about what to do with the Scientist. I've been seeing him for only a few weeks, but I really like him. In fact, I think he's pretty fucking great, even if he is politically conservative (I know, it makes me cringe too). He's really smart, funny as hell, thoughtful, a great conversationalist, challenges me constantly and, well, he thinks I'm the shit. I was really up front with him about my plans to flee from the first time we met, but, well, now I'm starting to think it's not going to be so easy to just leave. Time won't make this any easier; it'll just complicate both of our feelings for each other. I'm not going to think about that now, though. I'm just going to have fun and enjoy his company.

Post-accident

It's been a rollercoaster week so far. I wish I could avoid these ridiculously emotional weeks where I swing from one intensely dramatic mood to another. It's exhausting and I'm a total bitch and I know it, which, in turn, make me frustrated and even more bitchy.

The thing that seems to set me off, almost without fail, is when I have any sort of appointment relating to my lawsuit or any pain that resulted from injuries incurred in my accident. This week I've had both.

On Monday I had an appointment with my newest physical therapist for a running assessment. I was really jazzed about this appointment because I foolishly thought having my running "assessed" would mean I would be back on my way to starting a running program, which I haven't been able to maintain in any way, shape or form because of my back injuries. A problem arose when I started having back and hip pain on Thursday, which I alerted my PT to and subsquently cancelled my appointment because of, last week. I was still having problems on Monday, but my PT, seemed unperturbed about it and when I showed up on Monday said she wanted me to continue anyways. I foolishly ignored my better judgement and experience in this area and decided to trust her judgement and go along with the assesment anyways.

So, I got on the treadmill, as instructed, and walked and, later ran. And, other than being completely disconcerted by the fact that I had two women totally staring at my ass and "evalutating" me as I trotted along, things went okay. I was even impressed by my ability to run for several minutes on end and not really get winded at all. Not bad for a three year break (more or less).

What unfolded after my run was what irritated the hell out of me. After I had finished running they basically told me my form was all wrong--I was compensating for tension in my hip and a bad achilles in my left heel. Then, I got down on the floor and proceeded to completely fuck up the exercises I had been shown a week and a half before. I had on a moderate amount of control over my right hip flexors and was totally doing an exercise incorrectly.

Now, I've had bouts of pain worse than this most recent episode before. The incredibley frustrating thing about this appointment was my PT kept looking at the other woman who was clearly more experienced and was acting in what I can only assume to be a supervisory role, and saying "She was so much more stable and controlled last time...." In fact, I bet she repeated this, face flushed and clearly irritated at me (?!), half a dozen times in the 45 minutes I was there. We ended the session with her uttering this phrase again to me, very quickly running through the exercises I had been messing up and rushing me out the door.

I was pissed off. I felt like this woman had wronged me in two very real ways: a) she gave me some seriously false hope which led to a great deal of frustration on my part when it didn't work out the way we had hoped and b) she had the gall to get irritated at me when I was the one in pain. How messed up is that? Now, I realize I may have made her look silly in front of her boss, but for Christ's sake, I didn't do it intentionally and in the grand scheme of things, my on-going back pain is far more serious than her looking a little like a jackass in front of someone she wanted to impress.

I've talked about this before with my friends and family but I don't think any one--not one single fucking person reading this blog right now--can understand how frustrating, disheartening and absolutely maddening is it for me to continue to have health problems as a result of my accident. I was explaining this to the Scientist a couple days ago. I said that I often times divide my adult life into two distinct periods: the life pre-accident and then my life post-accident. Not even Peace Corps has had a big of an effect on how I conduct myself and live my life on a day-to-day basis as those 10 seconds three years ago. My accident was as much a part of my Peace Corps experience as being single and female was: it is a part of me now. And that really fucking sucks.

'Napolis is the bomb

I think I may be in love with Minneapolis.

In fact, so many great things happened both before and during my trip to Minneapolis I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I could do something lame like make a list, but that would be a poor excuse for a blog entry and entirely inappropriate given the wonderful time I had. No, instead I'll embark on a too-long synopsis of my 4 day trip to 'Napolis.

The impetus for my trip was a silent auction. Unless you're dead or have been completely tuning me out for the last, oh, 5 years or so, you know I spent some time in Ukraine as a Peace Corps volunteer, and over the course of that I time I became entangled in various camps, seminars, committees and projects.

One of the two most productive projects I worked on was a camp organized by my amazing friends Rosa and Wendy. I had the incredible good fortune of living only three hours north of the town they served in, Nikolaev (that would be Mykoliav in Ukrainian), and over the course of the two years I served in Ukraine was coaxed into working on ennumberable projects they thought up. The most consuming of those projects was the regrettably named Camp ABC (American Borsht Camp--the campers came up with the name, not us, and I cringed every time I heard it last year).

Camp ABC was by far the most rewarding (if not the most exhausting) project I participated in as a Peace Corps Volunteer. For two weeks I taught civics and writing to about 50 teachers and students between the ages of 15-22. I felt like, for once, I was having an impact on the students and was facilitating meaningful cross-cultural dialogue as opposed to forcing the students to talk. We, the volunteers, also had the amazingly good fortune to work with a fabulous group of Ukrainian college kids who acted as counselors and teaching assistants.

After last year's smashing success of Camp ABC, Rosa and Wendy decided to expand the camp internationally and try and attract students from all over Europe and the U.S. As it stands right now we have applicants from Armenia, Georgia, Macedonia, Albania, Belorus and the U.S. planning on attending....Rosa/Wendy also made the executive decision to change the name of the camp to International Outreach Camp (IOC). Thank God.

Of course, with the expansion for the camp came the need for more money. So, in addition to having everyone involved apply for any and every possible grant that we had even a remote chance of receiving, Rosa started appealing to Minneapolis based businesses for services that we could auction off in a silent auction. And boy did she get some cool stuff!

So, on Monday, Rosa and I spent all day running around getting stuff organized and hauling items from one place to another. While I wouldn't describe it as "fun", it was really nice to spend some quality time with Rosa, as well as feel like I'm still contributing to the camp.

Things went well. We didn't end up raising as much money as we had hoped given all the things we had to auction off, but we were still successful overall. I also ended up with an awesome new bag and a Russian doll from Baltic Imports in Minneapolis--all for only $29! Not bad. Plus, I spent my money knowing it was going to an excellent cause.

Tuesday, my mom and I went to the Mall of America were I proceeded to spend a buttload of money. I'm usually very hesitant to spend money on myself, but I desperately needed sandals and shirts (not to mention those little foamy things that go over my iPod earbuds--I keep losing them). That, andI have miraculously mangaged to hold onto the majority of my readjustment allowance.

Wednesday, my mom and I went back to the mall, shopped a little more and then headed to the University of Minnesota campus where I had an appointment with a professor at the School of Public Health. It was, when all was said and done, a productive appointment. In all honesty, though, I guess thought I would be meeting with someone from the department that had more clout as far as my impending admittance to the Public Health Administration and Policy program was concerned. The gentleman I met with at the SPH is the director of a certificate program I'm interested in pursuing at U of M, not a member of the admittance committee. Nevertheless, he was duly impressed with my Peace Corps experience and seemed excited about having someone who was interested in doing HIV/AIDS work in Eastern Europe. If I'm accepted into the program I will be the only person doing any work/research in Eastern Europe. I guess that would make me a trail blazer.

The last exciting thing that happened while I was in Minneapolis came in the form of an e-mail from the Peace Corps Washington office. It appears as though I am, in fact, qualified for the recruiter position and my file has been approved and forwarded on to the Peace Corps Minneapolis office. That means I have to basically continue waiting in the vain hope that someone in the Peace Corps Minneapolis office will contact me for a interview. I'm really trying not to get excited, seeing as how even if I DO get a call from the Minneapolis office and do go to said interview, I still won't get the job. Hey, if being negative and refusing to believe I will be offered this job has worked well thus far, why start being up-beat and hopeful now?

Minnnnnneapolis

I may or may not be posting anything for the next few days: I'm going to Minneapolis and I'm not sure if I'll have internet access or time to write anything. Here are the things I hope to accomplish while gone:

1. Get drunk with JP. Really drunk.
2. Impress JP's girlfriend, Tara, with my slurred toasts in Russian.
3. Buy clothes.
4. Avoid screaming children at the Mall of America.
5. Help my friend Rosa with her auction.
6. Try not to kill my mother after spending 3 days non-stop with her.
7. Meet with a professor at the University of Minnesota and convince him to give me money and admit me.

It'll be a full weekend. I'm determined to accomplish number one and number four at the very least.

Stuart Davis

Last night the Scientist and I went to see Stuart Davis, which was, unsurprisingly, immensely enjoyable. I think it had been almost three years since I'd seen him play, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that I recognized almost none of the songs he played in his first set. Nevertheless, it was weird to go to his show and realize how completely out-of-the-loop I am in regards to music in general. Seeing Stuart and not knowing any of the songs just underscored that.

The Scientist and I had been at the Mill for maybe an hour or so when none other than Greg and Gretchen showed up. I hadn't seen Greg in like 4 months, so it was nice to chat and bum cigarettes off him. Greg also became the first person to ever refer to this blog in public. When I introduced Greg to the Scientist, Greg whispered to me, "Is this the guy you mentioned on your blog?" It literally startled me for a minute: I was afraid Scientist had heard, plus I'm guess I'm still getting use to the idea of being a "blogger". I've never been very hip and this is a title that just smacks of post-modern coolness, thus my reaction to Greg's comment.

It turns out my dear friend Greg hasn't been reading my blog and thought the guy I was referring to was PhD guy from over a month ago. Shame on you, Greg for not reading my blog (I'm kidding, of course).

Greg's comment actually raised an issue that has crossed my mind on several occasions: if I get involved with someone (and my magic eight ball indicating whether or not I'll get involved with the Scientist is still decidedly undecided) at what point do I tell them a) I have a blog and b) I've written about them? There was actually a moment when I was out with PhD guy, when, upon mentioning that I like to write, he asked me, "So, when you say you like to write, what do you mean? What do you like to write?" The honest and straight forward answer, of course, would've been "Oh, nothing serious...I generally just enjoy writing for my blog." Instead, however, I said, "Uh...er...Uh...I like to, you know, uh, write essays and in my journal and stuff." In other words, I lied.

It was, in fact, a good thing I didn't tell PhD guy I had a blog because then he would've asked for the address (as any curious person would have), found my blog, read all about how I felt about him and been totally creeped out. That and, upon finding out he wasn't interested in me, I would've been mortified with embarrassment and not hung out with him like I have after he made it clear to me he just wanted to be friends. And that would've been a damn shame considering how much I enjoy talking with him about politics, teaching, travel, etc.

So, do I wait to see what comes of this thing with the Scientist and then tell him? Am I being dishonest by not telling him or smart in waiting things out before deciding whether or not to tell him?

Three cheers!

Well, it's official: I've submitted my applications to the University of Minnesota and the University of Iowa. Now, I wait.

It's funny, when I first arrived home I was dead set against applying to the University of Iowa and staying here any longer than I absolutely had to. But now, well, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I stayed in Iowa City, I guess. I mean.....I don't know, as soon as I say that this alarm goes off in my head. It screams, "DON'T DO IT! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! YOU CAN ONLY BUILD A SOLID CAREER OUTSIDE OF IOWA! YOUNG PEOPLE YOUR AGE ARE FLEEING IOWA BECAUSE THERE ARE SO FEW OPPORTUNITIES!"

And yet, it would be so so easy to stay here. I know my fear of resettling in Iowa is completely irrational, and, moreover, is directly related to my fear of ending up trapped here with a family. Don't ask me how staying here for graduate school will somehow magically evolve into me being miserable and strapped down with a family. It's an irrational fear: that's why it makes no sense. Unfortunately, I rarely make any sense.

Wednesday night I had a few beers with this guy in Iowa City who I met (you guessed it) on-line. He's a PhD candidate in a health related field at the University of Iowa (from here on out I'll call him the Scientist). I had a really great time: we drank beer at the Deadwood and talked and talked. He's funny and super smart, and, apparently not into playing head games because he e-mailed me the next day telling me how much he liked hanging out with me and wanted to go out again. Isn't that cool? Three cheers for smart, fun, straight forward men!

Annoyed

I have finally found the one thing more annoying than applying to graduate school: applying for a federal job. Yup, I have managed to find, apply for and endure yet another long and highly annoying application process. I'm getting really good at applying for stuff. I'm also starting to loose steam for doing such things.

I'm applying for a job as a recruiter with Peace Corps. I would be shocked if I got a call for an interview and flabbergasted if I actually got the job. Seriously. Although, on paper I have a lot of things they're looking for: sales experience (EASY--8 years of retail experience), public speaking and training experience (see: supervisor experience at aforementioned retail job, test supervisor experience and PCV experience), as well as being a RPCV (duh).

I don't know why I don't think I won't get a call back....I guess I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. That and if I did get a call for an interview I'd really get my hopes up, only to have them dashed by some stiff in a suit in one of the Peace Corps Washington offices.

Seriously, though, I think I would be a really good recruiter. I'm enthusiastic, fairly friendly, a good judge of character (I'd be interviewing PC applicants and evaluating their potential as possible volunteers), and I can speak with experience and authority on every possible fucked up thing that could happen to one while serving in the Peace Corps. Medical Emergencies? Done it. Awful primary assignment? Been there. Political instability in host country? Seen it. Enduring sexism and lookism on a massive scale? Don't get me started....

In other news, I have a beer drinking engagement with a very pleasant young man in IC tomorrow. He's a graduate student at the University of Iowa who I started chatting with on-line and seems like a nice enough guy (yes, I met him via match). He seems very low key. We'll see what happens.

I think I may have scared Travel Guy off. Oh well.

Bark bark bark

You know that expression about a dog's bark being much worse than his bite? That would be a very good way of describing my date on Saturday. Travel Guy was much more alpha male via e-mail than he was in person. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, if you look back on the people I've dated in the past I don't generally like manly men; they remind me too much of those assholes that use to make fun of me for having crazy hair and wearing combat boots in high school. They remind me of Slater fucking Bayliss. ICK.

But I digress. So, I was more than a little nervous on Saturday. Like really nervous. I'm not sure I like the whole element of surprise that comes with this on-line dating thing.

I took my sweet time getting there, too. I hate being early and waiting for someone I don't know. I had to do this with PhD guy everytime we got together and I hated it. I don't know why. I feel too eager or something if I'm there first.

When I walked into our designated meeting point (it was a chain restaurant), I wasn't sure what to do so I stood in the entrance for a second. I had seen a picture of him via his website (which details his extensive travel), but still wasn't sure I'd know him immedately or anything. I was kind of relying on him to recognize me since I have the same picture I have posted on my Blogger profile posted on my Match profile, and, well, said picture looks like me.

I stood there for a second and noticed this cute guy waving at me. Unfortunately, this doesn't ever happen randomly in restaurants, so I figured this guy was Travel Guy. I went over, sat down next to him and we immedately started chatting as we waited for our table.

The first thing I noticed was how nervous he was, which immedately put me at ease. I remember reading once that when someone is attracted to you or there's chemistry between you and another person you have a tendancy of dropping stuff or becoming really inarticulate all of a sudden. Travel Guy dropped stuff throughout the night, which I thought was really endearing. For some reason, his unease made me relax a lot.

Once we were seated we had a really nice conversation. We talked about Russia, traveling, Peace Corps, etc. He asked a lot of really good questions and there wasn't really any uncomfortable pauses. The one thing that was a little off putting though was the waitress shamelessly flirting with him. I've had this happen once before. In fact, years ago I was with Jason at another chain restaurant in IC and a waitress hit on him in front of me so many times throughout the hour and a half we were there I almost said something to her. She did not get a tip; she did, however, get a really nasty look from me.

At the end of dinner we got up to leave, and then once we were outside he shook my hand and thanked me for a nice time. I told him I had a great time and it was nice meeting him, etc. No plans were made to get together again. I wasn't disappointed as much as I was confused. A hand shake is not a good time, but had he tried anything else I ....don't know what I would've done.

A hand shake though?

Anyway, so that was Saturday. Since then I've e-mailed him and there's been maybe a hint of another date, but I'm not sure (he told me I had a great smile, he had a good time and then made some suggestive comment about a back rub, but no offer for another date). I'd go out with him again. He's an interesting person, and, at the very least, we'd have a great conversation. And then I'd have another male friend (big sigh). I'm going to end up with my own army of male friends, as Brian, JP, Dan, Greg, Noel, and PhD guy can all tell you. Maybe Ellen was right about this one.

Attack of the Alpha Male (or Please Weigh In On What To Do With This One)

So, as many of you know from talking to me or reading this blog, I've posted an on-line profile on Match.com (if you don't know this you haven't been reading my blog very closely because I discussed it at length on the post previous to this one). Much to my relief, I've gotten a few winks and e-mails and, in turn, have sent a few myself. It's been entertaining, to say the least.

Anyway, so just a little while after I posted my profile on-line I received an e-mail from this guy who lives not too far from me asking me about my Peace Corps experience. I looked at the link to his website that he provided; he's been all over the world and seems to be interesting, so I e-mailed him back. What the hell, right?

What ensued has been, uh, pretty interesting. Right off the bat he started in with these pretty sharp, thought provoking questions. In his first e-mail to me, he asked me if my ex were strapped to a lie detector what would be the three things he would say he missed most about me and the three things he missed least about me. I won't go into my answers (unless you really want me to), but needless to say I was kind of impressed by the boldness of his question: this is no, run-of-the-mill "So what kind of music do you like?" sort of inquiry. So, I took the bait and replied.

That was when it got interesting.

By the third round of e-mails he was asking me three reasons why I should go out with him. Now, I thought at first this was just a tad arrogant and considered not responding, but then decided given the playful banter via our e-mails, he probably didn't mean to come across arrogant and was testing the waters to see if I'd go out with him. I responded with the typical bullshit about me being interesting and able to hold my own in a conversation, yada yada yada. Then I shot back with the same question: why should I go out with him? Why is he so special?

However, instead of giving me three good reasons why I should go out with him, he gave me three reasons why I shouldn't. The first reason was because he's unabashedly politically conservative (I called myself 'Very Liberal' on my profile, thus a reason why I wouldn't be wild about going out with him), but that he respects others' views and most of his friends are liberal, as he was in the past. (I wondered what made him go over to the dark side?)

The second reason was because he wasn't interested in getting married or having kids any time soon. This made me chuckle because, as most of you know, for years and years I was adamently opposed to the idea of getting married, let alone having a brood of children. I still have days where I question my ability to stay with one person for the rest of my life, let alone bring another person into the world.

The third reason was because he gave good neck and foot massages and would spoil me for other men (no, seriously, I shit you not, he said that). This is where the whole arrogant part comes, in just in case you hadn't picked up on that.

Needless to say, I wasn't sure what to do after receiving this e-mail. I'm so use to dealing with mild mannered, "soft" (as Brian so accurately put it) people, especially boyfriends, that I waffled about what to do. Do I respond? Do I ignore him? Do I shoot back with a who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are response?

After weighing my options I decided to take the bait. Again. I e-mailed him back and said that a) I wouldn't hold him being conservative against him as long as he didn't hold me being a feminist and liberal against me, b) I'm not looking to get married or have kids either, so that was a non-issue and c) what exactly was he looking to get out of this? Dinner? Someone to hang out with? Sex? What. I told him I was a little hesitant to go out with him. I also mentioned my neck had been giving me problems lately (I kind of regret saying that last bit, but I couldn't resist).

The last e-mail from him seemed to be a bit tamer. He basically said he just wants to have dinner to see if we get along and that was it. This seemed reasonable, and, I'll admit it, by now I was really curious to see what this globe-trotting Republican was like so I said have dinner with him, but that I wanted to chat with him a bit first.

So, I talked to him last night and he seemed like a pretty nice guy. Not arrogant. Just self confident. We chatted about Russia, my grad school plans, etc., and then we set up plans to have dinner in IC on Saturday. This is all fine and good except....

I'm actually really nervous about meeting this guy. What if he's a total dick and I'm stuck having dinner with him forevvverrrr? What if he's crazy? Worse yet, what if he's really cool (I'll overlook the whole Republican thing for arguement's sake here), and he doesn't think I'm cute or smart enough to date (see PhD guy episode from March)? What if I don't live up to the on-line expectations he has of me based on my pictures or profile? What if I'm a disappointment? What do I do? What do you think?

Matchiness

Yesterday was the last day of the project I've been working on for over a month. I'm so so happy it's over.

Today, I'm going to a whole lotta sittin' around, reading and preparing cover letters to accompany the resumes I will be sending out to part-time non-profits in Milwaukee. I'm not sure what I'm going to say in the aforementioned cover letters to explain that my employment at said non-profit is critical to my admission to the Public Service program. It's kind of weird situation. The woman I've been in contact with at Marquette told me I should some how work in that I might be open to staying in Milwaukee after I finish my degree and, circumstances permitting, at their organization. At first I thought that was a good idea, but then I thought, "I'm applying to $12-$13 per hour part time jobs. Do they honestly expect me to stay on after I finish my degree?" That seems a little unreasonable. I think it's pretty cool that they'd pretty much have me locked into their organization for almost 2 years. I mean, I just want to alert these organizations to my situation and that doing things like looking at their budget and applying for a grant for their organization is part of my employment there. The question is this; how do I word it in a cover letter so that it's clear but not overly verbose? How do I convince them this is a good idea? Just play the I-was-a-Peace-Corps-volunteer-and-you-should-totally-hire-me-based-on-my-good-will card?

Speaking of playing cards, I decided to bite the bullet and post a profile on Match.com, and good Lord, have I gotten a lot of lonely Midwestern men e-mailing me. It's fucking insane! Honestly ( and this is not a judgment on anyone else), I felt kinda weird doing this whole on-line dating thing, like it was a last resort, but it seems to be working out okay. I mean, I need to give it a chance, right?

Anyway, playing the whole Peace Corps card thing on Match is really working out well. I think the men who have e-mailed me are under the mistaken impression that I'm sort of saint or something. I mean, sure, I'm a nice girl, but the do-gooderness aspect of saying I'm a returned volunteer just adds a whole new dimension to it. That, and I think that despite the fact that I've said I'm not interested in someone who's intent on outward appearances, they like my picture. That pisses me off a little, I'll be honest. You should like someone for who they are; being intent on how someone looks is very eighth grade. I want nothing to do with that.

Tornado shamado

I've done basically a whole lotta nothing this weekend and it's been fannnnntastic. I have about 2 days left max on this stupid project and them I'm free to be unemployed for another month. Yippeee!

So, just in case anyone is interested or wondering I was in Iowa City when a series of about 4 tornadoes tore up the lovely town where I attended college. It was really pretty frightening, although some of the idiots I worked with kept making a joke out of it (one of the idiots, unfortunately, I think is a really nice guy who seriously started to irritate me). I mean, 4 million dollars worth of destruction to downtown IC, not to mention several injured people and one death, are fucking hilarious. Right? People are so stupid sometimes.

Anyway, I spent two hours playing hangman on Thursday with my co-workers and realized, that I really need to get out of here and this job before I lose all hope.

Why you should ignore my GRE score and let me into your program, in 400 words or less.

Yes, that's right, my blog has now degenerated into a forum for getting me into grad school.

Below, is an optional essay I wrote for the Master's of Public Health Administration and Policy program at the U of Minnesota (Go Badgers! Let me into your school, please!). I am very very tired right now and I honestly need someone, ANYONE, to read this essay and let me know if it sucks or not. I'm sending my application in tomorrow.

I'm not sure if the first paragraph sounds snotty or not. My Letter of Intent starts out with a conversation I had with a prostitute in Ukraine, so I don't want to come across as a total...freak, I guess. I do, however, truly believe I'm cursed with inability to take standardized tests so I wanted to include that in my essay, but try and not make it sound like an excuse.

Anyway, please, let me know what y'all think. Like I said, I'm sending it tomorrow. Here it is:


Optional Essay

Some people are blessed with the gift of words; they can compose beautiful, melodious pieces of writing that beckon the reader to read further. Others are blessed with ability to understand and speak foreign languages; they can easily remember and assimilate new words and sounds into the repertoire of their vocabulary without much of a problem. Even more people are skilled at taking standardized tests; they stay calm under pressure, think clearly throughout the duration of the test, and understand intuitively how to approach these sorts of exams. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.
The one concern that the admissions committee may have in regards to my application would be my quantitative score on the Graduate Record Exam. While I completely understand the committee’s concern given some of the math requirements, (particularly the Biostatistics requirement), I must fulfill in order to receive my degree, I feel as though it does not reflect my mathematical abilities, nor does it reflect my ability to process and understand statistical data. In fact, after being accepted into the University of Minnesota’s Public Health Administration and Policy program, I am willing to enroll in any mathematics or statistics class in order to better prepare myself for the quantitative component of the MPH program. Furthermore, I am willing to be admitted on a probationary period if the committee feels that is the only way they can admit me to the MPH program.
I believe there are quite a few strengths to my application that should outweigh my quantitative score on the GRE. Both my written and verbal communication skills are excellent. I’ve proven through both my extensive volunteer experience, both in the U.S. and abroad, that I can work well with people of different ages and backgrounds from all over the world. I have experience and knowledge about the field I hope to work in after graduation. Most importantly though, I’m driven by and passionate about both my potential studies at the University of Minnesota and my future work.
Before I decided to apply to the University of Minnesota’s MPHAP program, I thought very hard about the serious academic, professional and intellectual work I was about to undertake. I understand that graduate level academic work is arduous and, at times, very challenging. If I did not think I was fit intellectually for it, I would not have applied. I am confident that I can meet all the challenges the University of Minnesota’s Masters of Public Health Administration and Policy program sets before me.

Some things you never wanted to know about me...

Ellen posted this on her blog, so now I'm copying her and posting it on mine.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8 am (about 20 minutes ago)
2. Diamonds or pearls? I have neither.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Inside Man (I saw it with PhD guy)
4. What is your favorite TV show? Six Feet Under, Queer as Folk
5. What did you have for breakfast? I haven't had breakfast but I'm sure I'll have yogurt and cereal like always (stop laughing at me, Brian).
6. What is your middle name? Lynn
7. What is your favorite cuisine? This is tough....I like anything organic and vegetarian. I love Greek and spicy Indian food.
8. What foods do you dislike? Squash is a no-go for me. Look at it closely next time--it looks like ear wax. It tastes like it too, I bet.
9. What is your favorite Potato chip? Salt rocks my world, I don't like flavored stuff that much. I love Pringles though.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I'm with Ellen--the Yeah Yeah Yeahs new album is awesome.
11. What kind of car do you drive? My mom's Probe.
12. What is your favorite sandwich?Steve's Rockin' Rueben from the New Pioneer Co-op
13. What characteristics do you despise? Condecension, Shallowness, Someone who thinks they're better than everyone else because they have more money (Unearned Privledge?)
14. Favorite item of clothing? Blue shirt from the Gap
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Turkey, China, or India
16. What color is your bathroom? Green and White
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Gap
18. Where would you want to retire to? Scotland
19. Favorite time of day? 10 am
20. Where were you born? Lancaster, Ohio
21. Favorite sport to watch? Swimming and Gymnastics
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Anyone who's up for the challenge of getting through this list.
24. What type of detergent do you use? Tide
25. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Coke
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Morning person, all the way
27. What size shoe do you wear? 5 1/2-7
28. Do you have pets? A cat, Janey.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I got into Marquette!
30. What did you want to be when you were little? A pilot, a lawyer, a writer
31. Favorite Candy Bar? Reese's Pieces
32A. What is your best childhood memory? Climbing a tree next to our house and just sitting there (I use to really freak out my dad 'cause I would climb up past the second floor of our house in this tree)
32B. What is your worst childhood memory? Middle school
33. Different jobs you have had in your life? Peace Corps volunteer, Barnes and Noble cafe assistant manager, bookseller, Red Lobster waitress, Western Union operator
34. What color shirt are you wearing? Gray
35. Nicknames: I've never had one, but I would love it if someone created one for me!
36. Ever been to Africa? No, but I would LOVE to go.
37. Ever been toilet papered? No.
38. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yup.
39. Been in a car accident? Yes. Several spectacularily bad ones.
40. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons
41. Favorite day of the week? Friday or Sunday
42. Favorite restaurant? Cheesecake Factory
43. Favorite flower? Daisies
44. Favorite ice cream? anything with Peanut Butter and Chocolate
45. Disney or Warner Brothers? Dude, who cares?
46. Favorite fast food restaurant? I do not eat fast food.... unless I'm in Kyiv and I'm watching other people eat or I need a clean bathroom.
47. What color is your bedroom carpet? Grayish
48. How many times did you fail your driver's test? the mean driving teacher at Wash made me retake the driving test
49. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Brian (he posted on this blog which sent an e-mail to me)
50. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? A travel agency!
51. What do you do most often when you are bored? Surf the internet,
52. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Brian, Daniel A (I didn't even know you were reading this, Dan, it's a nice surprise), JP
53. Last person you went to dinner with? my mom
54. Ford or Chevy? Ford
55. What are you listening to right now? The last thing I listed to was ( ) by Sigur Ros
56. How many tattoos do you have? Zilch
57. How many piercings? None, but I should get my ears pierced again
58. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg.
59. How many people are you sending this Email to? I'm just going to post it on my blog.
60. When is your birthday? September 24th (I'LL BE THIRTY! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?!)
61. Favorite color? Periwinkle, Plum and Bordeau
62. Least favorite color? Orange
63. If you could change your name, which would you pick? Hmmm....Gabrielle.
64. Time you finished this e-mail? 8:50

Post more comments, darn you!

Thus far I've had a pretty uneventful weekend. I did absolutely nothing on Saturday, which felt pretty darn good. Today, I had a fantastic work out, polished yet another grad school essay for the University of Minnesota, had coffee with my dad, ordered some clothes from Title 9 and gazed wistfully outside (it was really a bit too cold for me to go and read in the sun).

This next week is going to be insane. If I'm as ambitious as I hope to be I'll spend a great deal of time writing cover letters and finishing up essays. Hopefully I'll actually get some of this stuff done. We'll see though.

Honestly, I don't have that much to say. I'm in the process of looking very carefully at my options for next year and trying to figure out what is the best thing for me academically, financially and professionally. I'm sure I'll work all this out publicly via this blog over the next few weeks but for right now I'm going to simply say this: I have a lot of shit on my mind.

ACCEPTED!

That's right, baby, I've been accepted into Marquette University's Master's of Public Service program. Hot DAMN!

I was notified of my acceptance on Monday. I literally did a little jig talking to the head of the department, who was extremely nice to me and seemed a little confused that I hadn't received official notice of my acceptance yet.

Since then I've talked to the head of the non-profit department (that's my specialization will be within the Public Service program) and received some sort of disheartening news: there is absolutely no scholarship or graduate assistantships I can apply for to help finance my education. None.

That means, basically a combination of four things have to happen:

First, I have to find a non-profit in Milwaukee that will pay me well enough to at least partially cover my expenses. Finding a non-profit is essential--working at one is a requirement of Marquette's PUBS program (see how easily I can throw around acronyms?). This has to happen.

Second, I need to see if my very wealthy and extremely stingy grandma will loan me several thousands of dollars so that I won't have to sell my soul to the federal government in order to cover my education. I don't know if she'll cover this (yup, she might actually turn me down). I would much rather borrow money from her than the government because she won't charge me interest or late fees.

Third, I'll need to apply for federal financial aid. Do I need to explain this?

Fourth, I will need to start selling organs.

So, there you have it folks. I've been accepted but I'm not sure I can go. I'm still putting in an application to U of Minnesota, which has WAY more scholarship/fellowship and graduate assistantship opportunities than Marquette, but is actually kind of expensive for out-of-staters. In fact, I'm half Minnesotan anyway, so I think I should get in-state tuition by default.

ISN'T IT COOL I GOT ACCEPTED, THOUGH? SOMEBODY WANTS ME!!!

Madness

Wow, this has been by far the most eventful week in a long long time. In fact, I'm not sure where I should start with my update.

I guess I should start with my ridiculously complicated efforts to get into graduate school. Okay, so on Wednesday I got a call from Carole, the woman I spent a great deal of time talking to about the Trinity Fellowship and who, eventually was the one to call me and tell me I just wasn't cool enough to be chosen as a Trinity Fellow. So, anyway, Carole informed me that I might have convinced those fools to Marquette to let me in to the Public Service program there! I say "might" because I ultimately, need to get officially admitted by the woman in charge of the Public Service program at the graduate college--she's the one who has the final say about who's admitted and who's not (Carole, is just in charge of the fellowship I almost received, not the Public Service grad program). However, the guy in charge of the non-profit specialization I'd be focusing on within the Public Service program says there's definately a place for me in the program. See, most of the folks in the Public Service program with a specialization in the non-profit sector, are Trinity Fellows, which means only a few spots are left over for non-Trinity Fellows.

The catch is in order to be admitted into the program I'd need to find a part-time job at a non-profit in Milwaukee in order to fulfill the internship requirement which is required for graduation from the Public Service program. This would mean I would need to find a non-profit that will take me on for roughly 18 hours per week during the school year and 40 during the summer. I'm not sure if Marquette will help me set that up. I would think that they would, but I'm not sure and neither was Carole. Honestly, the idea of trying to find an internship on my own is a little intimidating and kinda thrilling at the same time.

Carole kept reiterating to me that nothing was official, that I needed to hear from the woman in charge of the Public Service program before anything further happened with my application, blah blah blah. When I pointed out that I've e-mailed this woman twice and called once in the last 2 weeks, Carole said by not hearing from this woman in the Public Service program that I was, ostensibly being told I "would just have to wait" (upon hearing this, I felt my patience literally almost snap). This did not please me so much, but I didn't really say much other than to point out in the absolute nicest way possible that it's almost April, and I need an answer. Soon. I'm not sure how this could get more confusing.

So, um, I'm not sure if I should be happy I might have gotten in, displeased that I'll just have to wait to hear for sure, or worried about finding a non-profit to work at. I'm sure it will work itself out, but I'm a little anxious.


The next crazy thing that happened was I found out my dad is coming home from China for three to five months on Tuesday. I was almost speechless when my mom told me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I think he may just need a rest from the stress of living in a country where he can say little more than, "I'd like a pack of Marlboros, please," along with being totally homesick. It's been almost two years since he's been home. I'm a little concerned about what kind of emotional state he's going to be in when I get home. That, and I'm afraid he's going to expect me to spend all my time with him, and then, of course, lay one of those infamous guilt trips on me when I don't, in fact, do that. Why can't I have a good relationship with BOTH of my parents, and not just one?

The last thing that happened was PhD guy basically told me he wasn't interested in me as more than a friend, which kinda sucks. I tried to get an explanation out of him as to why, but wasn't able to discern much other than he's really really busy (crazy ridiculously busy, busier than any one else I know busy) and he didn't feel "that way" about me. I'm not sure how you can determine that after going out on one date and lunch with someone, but, um, okay. I mean, we have these long fabulous conversations and I make him laugh and we have tons in common, but, well, okay. He must not think I'm cute. That has to be it. What else could it be? We're going out for dinner and a movie as friends today though, so at least he's being cool and mature about it.


So, that's been my week thus far. I've also been really really sick (I have a terrible head cold that I'm having a hard time kicking) and haven't been sleeping or eating very much at all. I miss you all very very much and if I haven't heard from you in a while please please e-mail or call me. I'm going to try to keep this blog updated this week. Keep your fingers and toes crossed about Marquette!!!

No more complainer-poo

Looking over the last few weeks posts, I've realized I complain entirely too much. I complain about my job, not dating (although, who knows, that could change soon, if I'm lucky), being bored, and, of course, graduate school applications. I fill my days with worrying about all this stuff I have very little control over, and are therefore, render my frustration totally pointless.

The fact of the matter is, lots of people hate their jobs. Tons of people are lonely/desperate and single (thankfully, I haven't reached the point of being desperate, yet). Loads of people are applying to graduate schools, hoping that the degree they're aspiring for will change their lives and fill some sort of void intellectually and financially.

Things could be worse. I could be very unhappily married, tied down by a couple of thankless children and a husband who no longer thinks I'm interesting and whom I no longer respect (my worst nightmare and strongest deterrent against marriage). I could be in some totally mind numbing tedious job that pays well, buying and consuming things left and right to fill some emotionally void, and thus keeping me from ever escaping my horrible well paying job in pursuit of my dream job as a basket weaver by day, go-go dancer by night. Or worse yet, I could be like some of those incredibly shallow, morally bankrupt singles who post on this website firstdatedc that I found linked to on Ellen's blog.

So yeah, things could be a lot worse. I try to remember, and be thankful for, all the things I missed while I volunteered in Ukraine: my mom and dad, my lovely and wonderful friends, books in English, heat, not being force fed meat jello and vodka during holidays.....the things that really matter.

Relief

Yesterday was kind of a relieving day. My first actual day of work (we've been training since Monday) was last night, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, I guess. However, my supervisor informed us that we'd be working overtime on Saturdays which will translate into me getting home around 11 pm on Friday night and then turning around and heading back to Pearson at 7 am the next morning. I didn't bitch too much last night, but I'm not going to do this more than once over the duration of the project. I refuse to make myself miserable no matter how much I need the money.

The other relieving and, much more pleasant, thing that happened yesterday is I talked Ph.d Guy. I say it was relieving because he said he would call and didn't, and then I had sent him an e-mail and heard nothing. Anyway, I decided to call him and then leave the ball in his court (I felt like I would come across as desperate if I kept trying to contact him and heard nothing back). I know what I'm about to say is going to make me sound like a stereotypically overly analytical girl, but I was starting to think that maybe I said or did something stupid on our last date that resulted in him avoiding me completely. Then, I conjured up all these ideas about the numerous things that are wrong with me (not smart/pretty/mature/put together enough) that would cause Ph.d Guy not to like me. I know, I know, I'm horribly insecure.

Thankfully, none of those things are true because he called me back and we had a really nice chat. We're going to try to get together next week. I hate to say this because I don't want to get hung up about seeing someone who may or may not be all that interested in me (I can't tell, honestly), but I'm looking forward to it.

How can you tell if someone likes you anyway? It's kind of an inexact science, to say the least. At one time I was good at sensing when someone was interested but now, I just never know. There have been a couple of incidents in the last two years that have really led me to believe I'm not as good at reading men as I thought I was, unfortunately. God, listen to me. I sound like I'm in 8th grade ("Do you think he likes me likes me or just likes me?").

Popularity contest

Not since I was a jail baiting 17 year old have I gotten as much attention from strange men as I have since I updated my photo on Friendster and posted a profile on mySpace. It's insane! And honestly, I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. I'm disheartened by the fact that my picture would make that much of a difference.

Then again, I guess I don't have to much room to bitch; after all, I did meet a very nice young man via one of these sites who will, I hope, eventually call me back.

Work was as I feared it would be: overwhelming. This project is an entirely different beast than any other project I have ever worked on and I'm feeling very unsure about the whole thing. The other woman who will be working nights with me said something I had been thinking all day yesterday. She said, "I'm not so sure I want to even do this." Boy would they be screwed if we both quit. However, if they put too much pressure on us or require too much overtime, I will walk away.

That's pretty much all that's been going on in my world. The highlight of my day yesterday was recieving best mix CD ever from Ellen. For this she has earned my everlasting love and devotion (I'm cheap, what can I say?). Thank you, Ellen!

Hey, does anyone know if/how I can check out who's been checking out my blog or is that impossible on Blogger?

A pain in my keester

I haven't got a lot to report, really. I started my new project at Pearson, which honestly I wasn't super excited about, but had managed to convince myself wouldn't be so bad once I got through the first few days of training. Unfortunately, I was wrong. We're already behind schedule, the prompts (a 'prompt' is, in layman's terms the question that is being asked of the student) are not written very well and the woman who was suppose to work the 2-10:30 shift with me has already quit. We need to hire over 100 scores in the next few days. Oh, and I think we're going to have mandatory overtime.

Jesus. Why did I volunteer to do this?

I promise to write a much more coherent exciting post in the next few days but right now I just want to go flop on my bed and listen to Exile in Guyville (have I mentioned how much I like my iPod lately?). I forgot how much I loved this album when I was 19, and now, that I'm a real adult with real ex-boyfriends and broken relationships to be bitter about, it's even more fun to listen to than when I was chasing after distant, game playing guitar players in Iowa City.

Mixed Results

I won't bother to wish anyone a happy late St. Patrick's Day, considering it was 2 days ago and you all have either forgotten about already, or didn't remember it in the first place. Besides, I'm not Irish, I'm Czech (in case you forgot). Saint Patrick's Day means nothing to my people. We drink copious amounts all the time, not just one day a year.

I've had a pounding headache all day every day since Tuesday afternoon. It sucks. I haven't been able to work out, read, or write my last grad essay at all. I'm starting to worry there's something really wrong. If doesn't go away by Tuesday or Wednesday I'm making a doctor's appointment.

The good news is I've already gone out for a second time with the very nice man I met on-line. This time, however, we had dinner and went to see Capote, so, in my book at least, it was definitely a date. I rarely encounter virtual strangers that, after talking with them for 2 hours over dinner, I feel like I could continue just sitting and chatting with them for another 2 or 3 hours. There were moments over the course of the evening where I was kind of alarmed by how much alike we are in some respects.

Anyway, it was nice. I was I lot more relaxed, as was he, so I think we both probably acted a lot more like ourselves, as opposed to ourselves on our Very Best Behavior. This is a good thing, because I can only pretend like I'm upbeat and perky for so long before I want to throw something at passerbys or curse and spit in public like I usually do.

It looks like we're going to go out again sometime soon, although Spring Break is over for him and my job at NCS starts on Monday, so it will be difficult to go out since I won't get off work until 10:30. I also made the executive decision that I'm not going to call (I contacted him last time about getting together for dinner a second time) or e-mail him, he's going to need to do that. I'm not into playing head games, but I really don't want to feel like I'm chasing him and there's no chasing back. I'll feel like a desperate stalker.

Rejected! (part deux)

Things Wednesday night went pretty well. I had a good time. He's a really nice guy and we have a lot of things in common (he's been around the world and back again, literally). We're getting together for dinner sometime soon, which will be nice. We'll see what comes of this. It should be interesting, needless to say.

Unfortunately, I received a phone call I suspected I'd get eventually, just not quite so soon.

I didn't get the Marquette Fellowship. Goddamn it.

I got a personal phone call from the woman in charge of the program that she really appreciated all my hard work, blah, blah, blah but they couldn't offer me a place in the Trinity Fellows program. That was the first piece of disappointing news. But, since nothing ever goes my way and I am perpetually cursed by the most fucked up luck ever (see : TWO benign ear tumors, life threatening car accident, teaching at a school from hell, and sexual harassment problems not once, but twice in Ukraine, amongst other things), that wasn't all.

The application process at Marquette was the biggest cluster fuck ever--you had to submit extra letters of recommendation and 3 essays for the Trinity Fellowship in addition to applying to the Public Service grad program. This was annoying enough as it is, but then there was more than a little confusion about whether or not I had to submit my motherfucking GRE scores (the GRE will from here on out always be referred to as the "motherfucking GRE"). The admissions committee literally could not decide whether or not I needed to submit GRE scores or not (If you had below a 3.2 GPA you needed to turn them in--I have a 3.17 but didn't want to turn the GRE scores in because my quant score is humiliating, as I've said 500 times before).

First I was told no, I didn't need to turn them in because, when rounded up, my GPA is a 3.2 , which satisfied their requirement. Then I was told that in fact I might need to submit them, and then finally no again (this was after 3 or 4 phone calls, literally). Needless to say, I was more than a little confused and pissed off when, after just rejecting me, the woman in charge of the TF program, told me she said she was sure I would've gotten in to the Master of Public Service program had I turned in my GRE scores!!! What the fuck?!

She then went on to explain they had been undergoing some changes at Marquette and had changed some of their requirements for admission, thus the confusion about whether I needed to submit those motherfucking scores. She had argued "strenuously" on my behalf with the admissions committee that I should not have to turn the scores in, considering I had been told I didn't need to by both the admissions committee at the grad school (which is apparently separate from the admissions committee in the Public Service program?) and her, but the admissions people at the Public Service department wouldn't budge. I had to ask her 3 times to repeat this because I didn't understand. This, of course, sucked because I literally had to listen to "you didn't get in" 3 more times.

I then informed her I had taken the GRE but that my quantitative score was really bad so I didn't really want to turn the scores in. She told me I should really submit my GRE scores because she thought I would be admitted to the Public Service program, but that I wouldn't get a Trinity Fellowship. That was when she rejected me for the fourth and, thankfully, final time. I felt like someone was breaking up with me. I didn't even get some guy's T-shirt out of it. Not even a kiss goodbye.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do regarding Marquette. I have been remarkably UNIMPRESSED by the lack of professionalism at both of the schools I've applied to (not so much at CMU as at Marquette), but especially with Marquette. Do these people not realize we, as students, should be treated almost like clients while applying to programs at their school? I mean, we're paying them upwards of $15,000 per year to get an education and they can't keep the most elementary things straight regarding admission (I called a woman at the University of Iowa and asked when applications were due and she told me the wrong date, for Christ's sakes).

I'm going to continue to submit applications and see what happens. Given what's happened so far I'll probably apply to U of M/U of Iowa and get accepted only to find out they accidentally sent me someone else's acceptance letter.

I know at least 3 people who are going to be more than a little happy to hear this, but, thus far, University of Minnesota has been the most organized, plus the woman there didn't blink when I told her my quant score wasn't so hot (she told me, in fact, that she didn't do well on the quant section either, which made me feel better). That, and I can easily arrange to do my field experience abroad, which is a huge bonus.

I'm sorry if I'm going on and on about grad school, guys. I'm just really frustrated. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated right now.

Is coffee a date?

So, here's something interesting that's developed in the past three days:

As most of you know, I have a profile posted on Friendster. It has, you know, random information about me: my occupation, favorite TV shows, favorite movies, etc., and a picture. I enjoy looking at profiles on friendster because of the crazy shit people will write/post about themselves. Do people not realize that when you post things on the internet others can read it? That and I can check up on people I use to be friends with/date and not feel like a complete stalker.

Anyway, there's this feature on Friendster that allows you to see the people who have viewed you. This, of course, is like the internet version of checking somebody out at a bar. You see that someone has looked at your profile, and you, out of curiousity or narcicism (i.e. I want to see how interesting/attractive the people are who are checking me out because it reflects back on my own attractiveness) in turn, check them out.

On Sunday, I had noticed that this guy in IC had looked at my profile. He looked like a really interesting guy: he's traveled all over the world, likes some of the same bands I do, and is persuing a Ph.d. I considered sending him a message, but was a little too embarrassed (what do I say?), so I just sort of forgot about it.

That was until I got a message from him on Sunday. I'll spare you the details, but basically we chatted about Russian literature (yup, I'm a total geek) and where we've traveled, etc. We only exchanged like 2 e-mails, but he mentioned getting together for coffee. I said that sounded cool.

Now, here's a question: is coffee a date? Or is it just, well, coffee? Honestly, it' been so long since I went out with anyone, I don't remember. The last time I went out for coffee with a guy (a guy, who, incidentally attended the same college as this guy I may be meeting up with later) I ended up dating him for 2 1/2 years. Also, is this a bad idea? Is it safe?

I feel like a big giant dork writing and posting about this, but, well...I'm interested in what y'all think. I just pray he does not find this.

Shame

This weekend has been pretty ho-hum thus far. Yesterday I went to the gym, tried repeatedly to get a hold of Kelly, and read. Not a terribley exciting day; at least, I didn't watch 4 straight hours of Queer as Folk, like I did on Friday. That show is neck and neck with Six Feet Under for best show ever. Now if they'd just come out with a show about gay men who worked in a morgue I'd be truly happy.

One of the more interesting things I've heard recently was while I was driving to Barnes and Noble Saturday night (yup, this is what the bored, single and lonely do on weekends). I'm not sure what I was listening to--it was like really angry NPR out of Chicago. They were talking about Guantanamo Bay. Honestly, I don't remember much of the details other than they did a piece about 2 Iraqis who were imprisoned for telling a couple of jokes. Seriously. There was, of course, the prerequisite juxtaposition of these gentlemen's stories and sound bites from that asshole Bush's speeches and that even bigger asshole, Cheney's speeches about how those in Guantanamo Bay were "swept up from the battlefield" and imprisoned because they were terrorists or some shit like that.

I remember the first time I ever felt real shame for being an American in front of a non-U.S. citizen. It was right after the Abu Grabe (?) scandal broke and it was a beautiful day in my town. I had just come back from the market and was standing in front of my apartment building talking to a fellow teacher from my school. He was asking me about the war and then, in a hushed tone asked me, "Did you hear about what the Americans did?..." I bowed my head, looking at the ground and muttered that yes, I had heard all about it. We shared a full minute of silence and then I looked up and said, "I am so ashamed for my country." He nodded and we promptly changed the subject.

When I hear about the things our government does in the name of protecting us it infuriates me. I, like a lot of Americans, have come to accept the fact that there will be things our government does that are just outright unfair or unjust but there needs to be a limit and a bipartisan committee whose primary job is to review legislation that is supposedly enacted to "keep us safe". Throwing two men in jail for telling jokes (the joke that originally caught the attention of whoever threw them in jail wasn't even about Bush--it was about Clinton) is unacceptable.

iTunes is making me one broke mofo

As I've mentioned before, I recently purchased an iPod Nano. I had deliberated about buying one for 2 months or so, and despite the fact that I'm unemployed and won't start my semi-shitty temp job for another week, I decided to just go for it and get one. I work out 4 or 5 times a week so when I work out I usually strap this CD player to me, which is awkward and looks totally retarded, plus I have to keep messing with it (restarting it, turning the volume up/down, etc.) and well, it was just a huge hassle. That, and I talked to JP about his iPod and he convinced me it was a good idea.

Anyway, so up until yesterday I'd only downloaded 3 songs: Crazy for You by Madonna (a song that I can't help but sing along to at the top of my lungs regardless of how much I slaughter it), I Can't Make You Love Me and Something to Talk About by Bonnie Raitt. I wanted to only download the songs that I really wanted and never get to hear, seeing as how I don't have a lot of money to spend on music (the iPod itself was $340 with insurance at Best Buy). And, well, looking through the iTunes music store is really overwhelming and intimidating. I mean, I've missed out on so much music over the last 2+ years, I don't even know where/how to start in catching up. How would I? I wasn't here, so I don't what's been released. But I digress.

So, after much agonizing over whether or not I should purchase the Garden State soundtrack (did I mention I had no money?), I bit the bullet and downloaded it. I saw Garden State while I was in Ukraine and loved both the film (Natalie Portman is so cute in that movie it almost makes me hate her), and the music.

Wow, what a great album! I think my favorite song is Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers, although I really like both the Cold Play and Theivery Corporation songs....and then there's that last track by Bonnie Sommerville. They're all fantastic. The only problem is now I feel like I should go and download albums by all the artists and I simply can't do that. It's too much. Too too much. Stupid iTunes.

Lazy

Look to the left side of your screen. Is that not the cutest picture of me ever? It was taken in Pervomaisk (that would be the town I served in while in Peace Corps) for my Russian visa. Actually, I feel kind of like a fraud putting it up: my hair isn't actually that blonde, nor are my eyes quite that blue. I feel like I'm lying. Maybe I should take it down and like put up a picture of me sitting around in my pjs. That would be more honest.

I slept in until 10:30 am. Good thing I don't have a job or life or anything. Okay, that's not fair. I do have a life. I read. I watch TV. I watch DVDs (damn you Ellen for suggesting I join Netflix). I surf the internet. I work out 4 or 5 times a week. Up until a few weeks ago I was working on grad school applications. In fact, come to think of it, up until a week ago I was pretty darn productive, what with working my temp job and writing essays or filling out applications. These last few days though, I've just been completely uninspired. I wonder why.

I've been playing with the idea of putting up an on-line personal ad. I'm not sure how serious I am about it, but I thought I'd throw the idea out and see what you all think. Is this a good idea? Is it safe? More importantly, should I use that wonderful picture to the left of this entry or a more honest one?

Happy International Women's Day!

Happy International Women's Day, everybody!

Maybe I'll celebrate by driving by the local Planned Parenthood and throwing tomatoes at protesters or something feminist and pro-woman like that.

In all seriousness, I really do love this holiday. In fact, I would say we should celebrate it in the U.S. except we'd turn it into just another overly commercialized holiday where we're obligated to buy each other presents. Or, in this case, men are obligated to do buy and do things for the women in their lives. It would be a pity to see it turn into that, so maybe it's best if it remains yet another day that those fun loving Eastern Europeaners celebrate.

I called Ukraine and talked to Oksana, my Ukrainian (as I like to refer to her) today. During the course of our conversation I started stumbling over my words a bit, prompting her to comment about my Russian worsening, which made me cringe internally. She's right, though, my Russian wasn't great when as I was talking to her. However, in my own defense (and as anyone who knows me would tell you, I rarely come to my own defense), I was speaking in Russian over the phone which I hate. That, and I was afraid she'd give me a guilt trip about not calling her on Orthodox Christmas (she didn't). Instead, she went on and on about how she was the luckiest person in the world: she'd gotten so many nice phone calls from so many people and now, to top it all off, she'd received one from me. Then she told me how much she missed me....three times.

So, all in all, it's been a pretty good day. It's not like most of the International Women's Days I've spent in the past around a table drinking shot after shot of vodka and shoveling food in my mouth but I'll take it.

Not your ordinary set of lists

Of course now that I have people actually coming to my blog and checking it out I don't have anything to say, really. It figures. So, instead I'll just take the easy way out and post some lists of random things. Everybody loves lists!

Four jobs I've had:

1. Barnes and Noble bookseller/cafe server/cafe lead (read: cafe assistant manager)
2. Standardized Test Scorer
3. Western Union Operator
4. Peace Corps Volunteer

Last four things I purchased:

1. Coffee
2. Ice Cream
3. Crazy for You by Madonna and 2 Bonnie Raitt songs on iTunes
4. iPod Nano-black...best purchase I've made in months, next to my computer

Four favorite dishes:
1. Anything with peanut butter and chocolate
2. Corn tamale appetizer from The Cheesecake Factory
3. Anything involving a tortilla, especially quesadillas
4. Blini (think crepes, except eastern european)

Four things I do that people always either laugh at me for or comment on:

1. The way I eat
2. The things I eat
3. My horrible spelling (people don't actually comment on what a horrible speller I am but I know they're thinking it--I can tell!)
4. My ability to beat myself up

Four incredibley stupid things the men I've dated have said to me:

1. "You're the heaviest girl I've ever dated" (I was 120 pounds, Tucker!)
2. "You're the most self-righteous person I've ever met and I hope it keeps you warm at night." (another gem from Tucker)
3. "It's your fault I drank so much. Why didn't you just take the bottle out of my hand?"
4. "Why can't you just stay here, in the States, with me? You know you're going to end up alone for the rest of your life." (as if those sorts of scare tactics would ever work on me. HA!)

Explanation

Now that you've found my site you're all probably wondering why I didn't let you in on the existance of this blog, especially considering I've had it for over three months now. I wish I could give a good explanation, but I can't really, other than I didn't feel like it before and now I do. I also realized this would be an excellent way to keep in touch with people I love, most of whom are scattered all over the world. Plus it will make me feel special if you post comments and stuff.

So, my friends, look around, read some of the archives (some posts are interesting and some aren't), and let me know what you think. Oh, and if you want to link me to your own blogs go right ahead.

In Like a Lamb

I finished my project at Pearson yesterday. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that bad. I thought I'd spend the entire 10 days bored out of my mind but it turned out to be a lot better than I expected. This makes me wonder if a) I've grown up a little and gotten better at just putting up with "adult" stuff like work, b) I'm slowly but surely becoming a work machine like my mother or c) my patience with this particuliar project is a total fluke and I'll go back to hating this job with the next project.

My mood has improved a little since getting my REJECTION letter from Carnegie Mellon, but not much. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised; it's a great school and there's quite a bit of competition to get in....I should've known better than to think I'd get in. Let this be a lesson to me.

Quit whining for God's sakes!

After reading over the last few posts I realize how absolutely whiney I sound, complaining about my grad school trials and my general ennui. I guess being chipper just isn't in my repertoire of emotions right now.

You'd think I'd have a little bit more insight into how incredibley lucky I am to live in a warm house with an abundance of running hot water. You'd think I'd appreciate my mom for giving me a place to live until I get on my feet and get things settled. You would think....

Whenever I start being hard on myself I always wonder if maybe I should knock it off and maybe give it a break. Then, before that thought gets too far I always think of all the people I know who've given themselves too much of a break and are doing nothing with their lives. People who have resigned themselves to shitty temp jobs scoring eighth grade standardized tests. People who have worked at Barnes and Noble as booksellers for 8 years. That's okay when you're in early to mid twenties. That was okay when I was twiddling my thumbs waiting to leave, but I'm starring Thirty in the eye. And she's a total unforgiving bitch.

I don't want to "put off" grad school again. Whenever I put shit off, or, when things ends up being religated to the back burner for reasons beyond my control, it always ends up biting me in the ass. I put off breaking up with Jason and ended up breaking his heart. I ended up leaving for Ukraine over a year later than I had planned and ended up in the hospital after a nasty car crash which very nearly kept me from leaving at all. I put off doing anything about my living situation in Ukraine and ended up living in less than ideal conditions. I know this and yet the cycle continues.

Damn it! I just got done going on and on about how I should count my blessings and here I am complaining again....I know I'll get over this slight set back--hell, I don't even know if this is a set back, I haven't heard anything from Marquette yet. In the meantime I just need to chill out and give myself a bit of break. I guess.

REJECTED!

I guess the upside to being rejected by Carnegie Mellon would be that I now know I won't have to contend with a whole summer filled with learning pre-calculus and statistics like I would've had I been accepted. It also frees up my summer to go to China and visit my dad. Who wants to go to an Ivy Leagueish school like Carnegie Mellon anyways, right? Right?

I won't lie: I'm really disappointed. I think I have a right to be too; over the past year I've corresponded with a guy in the CMU Admissions department who all but told me I'd get in, as did literally every other person I know (and when I say everyone I know I mean everyone). Was is something I said in an e-mail? Was it my goddamn quantative score on the motherfucking GRE? Is CMU so hung up on numbers that they won't let me in because I don't take tests well? I HAVEN'T BEEN SPEAKING ENGLISH REGULARILY FOR TWO YEARS, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

Needess to say, I'm really doubting myself and my chances of getting into ANY graduate school right now. I still have a month until I'll hear anything from Marquette (I haven't even begun my application to U of Minnesota), so I'll just have to wait. In the meantime I need to start thinking about getting a job....Being an unemployed grown up sucks.

Work

Yesterday was tolerable, surprisingly enough. Our team leader (I guess that's what you would call him) seems like a nice guy as do the rest of the people on my team. Of course, the project director is a woman I've referred to as "that stupid bitch" on more than one occasion in the past, so I wasn't super excited about working with her, but hopefully she'll disappear and not bother us over the next few weeks.

I wish CMU and Marquette would just hurry up already and decided whether or not I'm worthy of attending their fine institutions. Besides wanting to know because the suspense is killing me, I need to know so I can look for a job. By that I mean this: do I spend a few weeks looking for a job that I'll need to last me until August (when I would head to Milwaukee) or do I just stick with scoring essays until May? Unfortunately it looks like we won't have a lot of work until mid to late spring, when I would be heading to Pennsylvania, which means I may not be making the kind of money I hoped I would until a month before I left for Pittsburgh. This leaves me wondering if I should just suck it up and try not to spend too much money between the end of this project and the beginning of the next one in April or if I should look for something lame. Yet even more indecision. Will it ever end?

I can't wait for a time when I'm working at a job that I don't either hate or not really enjoy. I'm almost 30 years old and I can't honestly say I've ever had a job that I love. Peace Corps doesn't count. That wasn't a job, it was a life. I wonder how old I'll be before I work someplace where I enjoy the work and most of the people I work with. Does that ever happen to people or is it just their attitudes that make their jobs tolerable?

I heart the Olympics

Last night, as my mom and I were watching those crazy speed skaters fly into walls and each other, I had a flashback to the first summer I was in Ukraine, watching the Olympics and lying prone, sweating like a pig (believe it or not, it routinely gets to 90 degrees in July and August in southern Ukraine) on Oksana's couch. Actually, other than the opening ceremony and the same rhythmic gymnastics competition, I saw very little of the Olympics. It's funny how where you're at when you're watching the Olympics affects what events you see; in Ukraine we saw a ton of these random events you never see in the States because Ukraine never qualified or stood a chance of wining medals in events that U.S. athletes excel at, where as Ukrainian athletes did well in competitions that the U.S. didn't do well in.

Last night I gave my first "presentation" about my experience in Ukraine. I think it went well, although the on-campus recruiter talked a really long time (longer than I expected, actually) and I didn't get very long to really to talk about my experience. I realized I'm going to need to find a way to be both realistic and positive about my experience in Ukraine. My service wasn't completely awful, but there certainly were parts that were. I was pretty damn sick my first year, I had nothing but problems with my school the entire time I served, my housing situation frequently sucked and there were times I was a mess emotionally. That being said, I met some amazing people--both Ukrainian and American--and was able to try different things and ended up finding meaningful work while I was there, in addition to discovering what I wanted to do after I left.

If I'm honest other RPCVs might dismiss me as bitter, plus I'll scare the newbies. But who am I helping by not being honest? Being a Peace Corps volunteer is a wonderful growing experience, but like most experiences that test your persistance, patience and resilence, sometimes it's a real challenge. Peace Corps is not summer camp. If you want to just chill out and relax for two years get a good job, work your ass off and stay home; don't join Peace Corps.

Another day alone

Ah, another Valentine's day alone. If I remember correctly this is my third Valentine as a single woman. My goal next year is to, at the very least, have a date on Valentine's Day. That would be sweet. Maybe it'll even be with someone I care about.

In about an hour and a half I have an appointment with Dr. P, an orthopedic surgeon, to evaluate my back and hip. This is all related to my impending lawsuit against the old fart who hit me, of course. The doc is basically going to poke and prod me. Goddamn it, I am so sick of being examined and evaluated by doctors. Between my cholesteatoma (that would be a painful benign ear tumor in layman's terms) and the numerous problems I've had related to my accident, I've seen....let's see....three physical therapists, two orthopedic surgeons, one clinical psychologist, and a partridge and a pear tree.

Speaking of my lawsuit, I had my deposition last week and it looks like Allstate will not be contesting liabilty. This is, of course, a relief to both my lawyers and myself seeing as how I would've picked their lawyer up and thrown him through a window had he even suggested this was an act of God (that had been suggested once, right after my accident). That means that before we make any sort of monetary demand I have to go through this crazy PTSD treatment (I was diagnosed with PTSD last week after my visit with the shrink I saw a few weeks ago), along with being evaluated by a whole buch of doctors for both my side and their side. It should be tons of fun. I'll keep you updated on my progress in the next few weeks.

I wish I had something really exciting to blog about, but right now that's about it. I hope this turns out to be a tolerable day.

Five whole days without blogging

I’ve been a little lax on writing lately. Honestly, I haven’t always been in the mood, plus my computer completely punked out on me last week. It seems I managed to fry the motherboard somewhere in my travels around Europe (or maybe it was Ukraine that did it in). It rattled when you picked it up.

It doesn’t matter now though, seeing as how I’m now the proud owner of a Dell 610. I love her—she’s so much better than last laptop. She makes absolutely NO noise whatsoever, she burns CDs and DVDs. Plus the sound is excellent. I’m so glad I decided to bite the bullet and buy a new one.

In other exciting news, I turned in my Marquette application. I’ve had mixed feelings about applying to Marquette; originally I had an apply-if-you-want-to sort of e-mail from the head of the program and was a little turned off. Then, I received the application in the mail and was surprised and dismayed with how extremely confusing and long it was (they require 4 letters of recommendation and 3 different essays—it’s ridiculous). But then, I talked program co-ordinator (who had sent me the aforementioned e-mail) and was impressed. She seemed really interested in what I wanted out of the program and was pretty encouraging.

That was all before I found out they receive 60+ applications for 10 spots. Now I’m a little discouraged. I really just want to get into either CMU or Marquette, but I’d much rather be in a situation where I’m choosing between them as opposed to waiting for them to choose me. We’ll see.

Regular week

It's been a good week so far. I've been in a good mood, more or less, all week, and have been productive with regards to my grad school applications and doing all the boring crap I hate doing like making phone calls and stuff. Yesterday I even took two fitness classes at the gym; one Pilates class and then a Kickboxing class with the hottest MILF I have ever met in my entire life. Of course, this week has not been without its annoyances; for some reason when I'm on line typing an e-mail my computer will not recognize when I hit the return key. It's so weird! So if this is like one long paragraph, please, forgive me! I understand the basic concepts of how to write a proper paper or blog entry; my computer just won't let me.